Life As An Unfolding

"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Fear

Lately, I've been slowly moving in a new direction. As part of this movement, I have been required to face several negative and long held views about myself which serve to create and sustain a good deal of fear in my life. I don't like seeing these fears or, often, even admitting them to myself. In the past, that would mean I wouldn't even mention them to my closest friends because I would be too afraid to show them the most vulnerable parts of myself.

But, yesterday, as part of my continued commitment to moving forward, I was texting with Kicking-Ass-And-Taking-Names-Grrrl, one of my best friends from college, and revealed one of these fears. Her response was wise, simple, surprising, to the point, and timely. Overall, a much needed kick in my ass and a new way to re-frame my mind frame. She said, "Don't hold yourself down. Let others try to block you, but you can't go anywhere if you are blocking yourself." If you are struggling with fear in your own life, I hope her words bring you some needed comfort and clarity, as well.

Here's to kicking fear's ass--or, even better, not engaging with fear at all--and moving forward in life.

Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've taken some time for myself. Today is that day. I am posting to my blogs, listening to some music, watching a few You Tube videos, including this one from Bright Eyes and, catching up on my reading. YES, I REALLY KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

Anyway, here are a few more thoughts for today. First and foremost just wanted to encourage everyone to get out and vote on Tuesday, if you haven't already voted early. Vote whether it is nice out, or whether it is raining and cold. Vote whether you think your candidate can win, or not. Vote, vote, vote!

Second, just a thought to add to the many eloquent reflections on the passing of Studs Terkel. I thank him for introducing me to work that celebrated and allowed the voices of those, perhaps, otherwise unheard. One of my favorite stories, introduced to me by one of my favorite professors in a performance class in college, comes from his book, Studs Terkel's "Coming of Age: The Story Of Our Century By Those Who've Lived It."

Third, on a personal note, I am happy to say that I have graduated from physical therapy and have mostly gained normal mobility again! Yes, I still have to do exercises, and yes, sometimes my knee still hurts, but, I am mobile again. Just this morning I was finally able to walk the 1 1/2 miles into town and back. I have been visualizing this in my morning meditations for the past 11 weeks. I was so grateful to finally be able to do this.

New Digs Found

Happy update: We found a really cute rental home in the neighborhood that we really like. The new neighborhood is only a 22 minute express train ride (during the week-about an hour on the weekends) into the city, and about 35 minutes by car. Woot!

I am very excited to be able to live and shop locally, and to be able to get to the city so easily. Aqua Man can walk to the train station for his daily commute and we can walk The Kid to his new school, as well.

In our day to day, we will be able to walk to several parks, the library, a movie theatre, and to the town center where there are many independent shops, stores, pubs and restaurants. Also, (hooray!) there is an independent bookstore and a community yoga center just blocks away from our new digs, and a Trader Joe's (joy!) less than a mile away. Pinch me. Someone pinch me.

Should We Stay Or Should We Go. Now?

One of the big changes that has occurred over the past few months is that we have left our previous residence, moved out of state back to my hometown and have been staying with my family-my sister, her hubby, and their kids to be exact-while we search for a rental home. They have been unbelievably gracious, generous and just overall awesome hosts, not to mention a whole lot of fun to live with. They are known, among family and friends, for their constant generosity and love of having a good time. Living here has been nothing short of mind blowing to see how open and giving they really are to all who come across their paths. So to say that our transition has been "easy" because of how comfortable they have made us feel living in their home is a total understatement.

During this time, we have been looking and looking and looking for places to live. Nothing so far has been the right combination of factors that we are looking for: a neighborhood that we can see ourselves really enjoying living in; the right distance for Aqua Man's work; the right school for The Kid; the right area for me to offer my work; the right distance to the city; the right home for me to work out of; and of course, that pesky little detail of the right price. We have seen A LOT OF CRAP along the way. A lot.

Even though I'm back in my hometown-which I haven't lived in in over 11 years-we are concentrating on finding a place about 30 minutes from here, so it's a totally new area to cover. With the many factors that come with relocating to a new state, especially that The Kid is starting Kindergarten in the fall, we have been very fortunate to not be rushed by my family. Yet, this being said, we so Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Freeloaders!

So after lots of looking and researching and calling and searching we think we've found a rental home. We have a few final details to work out, and possibly by tomorrow it may all come together. And, if so, it could be as soon as next week that we could start moving in.

Even with all of the time that we have been living here-5 weeks now-my family is still saying, "Don't rush. There's no need to move unless its perfect!" Most people would be throwing us out by now!

Good people-you gotta love em-and feel really lucky when you can count them as friends, and family.

Speaking of Journey

So, I check the calendar today and realize that it has been three months since I last put up a post. Three months! Okay, wow. I didn't realize that so much time had passed since I last wrote.

How to catch you up on things? I don't know that I can do this very well. There has been so much change, so much waiting, and shifting and moving that I don't know that I can fill you in properly. I'll just share that there have been changes in our address, changes in Aqua Man's career, changes in relationships and with our family. There almost isn't an area in our lives that hasn't been changed. Basically, so many things that have been in the works, most for a long, long time, have finally gone through. And, as a result, lots of changes have occurred.

And more change is still occurring. Thankfully it's almost all positive, at this point in time. And although almost every aspect of my life and my families life has changed, there is a feeling of calm and balance surrounding it. Don't get me wrong, it's not without its trials and challenges, but overall, not an unsettling experience. Again, perhaps because the ground work was laid well ahead of time, in some cases years before, and then finally--boom--the right time, place, and opportunity came through. Perhaps this is why things still feel more balanced than imbalanced.

Like my oldest, dearest BFF says; life is a series of ups and downs, its nature is to constantly change. When you realize this, you can then enjoy the "up times" even more, appreciating them, knowing that "down times" will come, but when they do, you will be prepared for them because you know they won't last forever.

So, perhaps in future posts I will share more specifics, but for now I can put it best by saying that I am truly grateful and enjoying the "up" times that have come our way.

Numbers on My Mind

*Yesterday I just realized that I currently live 1, 171 miles away from where I was raised.

*I haven't lived in my childhood state in over 11 years.

*During the last 18 years I have moved more times than I can accurately count but I think it's around 32 times or so by now. Some were big moves, some were small, some where temporary stays, but if it required me to pack boxes, I count it as a move.

*One day I'd like to sit down, list all of the addresses of the places I've lived, and then add up the total distance from those place in comparison to the address of where I first lived and then moved from. Overall I think it would be fun to add up the total miles I've covered over my years of moving.

*I predict that aside from an interesting number-probably higher than I realize-I would learn that no matter how many times I've moved, or where I've lived, where ever I go, there I am.

It's both a comforting and confounding thought.

Hello, Internet!

It's been a long time since I've last written. A heartfelt apology to the precious few readers that I actually did have. Sorry for leaving you so abruptly back in mid-March! My how time flies in the non-Internet world. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how busy, obtrusive and disruptive non-Internet life can be. Damn "real life!" Any who, enough of my sorry excuses.

Today I just wanted to jump back in and share the following little tidbit from my experience yesterday while chaperoning for The Kid's class field trip to the cities big-downtown-performing arts center. Let me set the scene:

The kids, teachers and myself loaded up on a bus at 10:30 a.m. There were 28 kids, 3 teachers and 2 chaperons, including myself. However, one chaperon was only invested in watching her granddaughter. All other kids seemed to be invisible to her. So that just left me as the lone chaperon. We arrived at the destination at about 10:45 a.m. We sat outside trying to keep the kids from sticking their entire bodies in an outdoor fountain. We taught them how to play charades. We sat in the hot sun for about 30 minutes, waiting. We finally entered the theatre but they still had to wait. By the time the lights went down, it was 11:45 p.m. and a pre-show--not the main show--finally began. Within the first 30 seconds of the beginning of the pre-show The Kid leaned over to me and said:

"Is this the show?! Why is it NOT cool?"

And I was thinking, good question, I was just wondering the same thing.

Looks Like We Made It

Here's what's happening lately:

#1: Aqua Man made it through his big meeting last Friday; it was logistically, financially and mentally challenging to pull off, and he kicked ass! No word yet, though, on what this will mean in the long run. What ever the outcome, I'm very proud of him, and inspired by his bravery to step out of his comfort zone and to go for something new that truly interests him.

#2: The Kid turned 5 years old this past Sunday! Happy Birthday to the best kid ever.

#3: Birthday Celebration Number One, this past Sunday, was a success. We had a small party at our house with three friends and family and fun was had by all (It is the first of three mini-celebrations that we are having for The Kid because it turns out to be less expensive, over all, while still including all of his little friends.).

#4: Birthday Celebration Number Two (otherwise known as "We couldn't find a place to host a birthday party for 16 kids, plus parents, that didn't cost a small fortune, and our house is too small for that many bodies, so my mom will bring cupcakes to everyone in my class so all the little friends are included" mini-party): Sugar was had by all, and by 5 year old standards, it was a great success!

#5: I'm beginning to pitch my freelance work again, and moving forward with an idea I have for a small writing project. Overall, I'm feeling positive about both.

You Don't Have To Tell Me Twice

I took this photo at the small river front path that is just four blocks from our house, although we can also access the river just one block away. I discovered this area and came upon this sign during the first walk I took while exploring our new neighborhood almost two years ago.

I walked down our street and wound around the corner to discover an opening slightly covered by bushes and trees that then revealed the riverfront. I stepped from the street onto the grass walking path and the feeling instantly changed; it was a bit darker, and the air was slightly cooler. I could see birds flying and sitting on the water, yet there was a strange stillness to the overall atmosphere. I instantly noted the change, but was still mostly thinking, la, la, la. I'm taking a walk, and chilling out. This is so cool to live somewhere so different from where I've lived before, and... whaaaaattttt??!! ALLIGATOR??!! A-l-l-i-g-a-t-o-r???? No, for real. An alligator?!?! Holy Shit!

Now, for those of you who have lived in places where alligators are commonplace this sign would, of course, not be a shocking discovery. But, having previously lived in places that have no alligators nearby--zip, zero--I couldn't believe that this sign was for real. I mean, alligators living in the water about four blocks away? Yes, yes that's right. Well…that’ll put a new twist on outdoor activities such as swimming, boating, and just talking a walk along the water. Wow.
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This sign makes me wonder though, what if all potential dangers or repercussions were posted as clearly and prominently in life? Would you take the warning of potential danger or repercussions into consideration before entering into a situation, or making a decision? Would a sign so blatant as this, warning of potential dangers, keep you from traveling down a certain path? Do you think that there are times when warnings have been given to you this clearly in life, but you decided to tune them out and go down a certain path anyway?

I know that in the course of my life, I've ignored some blatant warning signs in different areas of my life. I can look back and see that, although small at first, warnings were often present, and I might have missed them at first. Sometimes, over time, those warning signs would grow larger and more frequent, if I continued to ignore them. And on many occasions, I still choose to ignore them. Live and learn, is how I view those experiences, and I take them forward into my life today.

But when it comes to this sign? Sure thing! No, problem. You got it! This is one warning sign that I will definitely heed.