So Not The Present

Yesterday afternoon The Kid and I went back into our new town to walk around and explore. As we were walking by a decorating store-one that we had just passed by yesterday-we noticed that the front window display had been changed.

The entire window display was now one of Halloween accessories and decorations for the yard, house, etc. It had three white signs hanging in the front that read: "It's Coming, It's Coming, It's Coming." HALLOWEEN? HALLOWEEN! Had I hit my head and lost track of the time? Yesterday was July 31. Yes, it's coming, but its, ah, two months away. *sigh*

Seeing this, on some level, I felt a little bit sad. Sad because when I look around into the immediate external world the message is overwhelmingly telling me to NOT be in the present. I'm most often told to think about what's coming next, to force upon myself what's coming next, as a way to get through the now.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many, many moments, and, even long stretches of my life in which I did not want to be present. I just wanted to get through them or get them over with. There were even times when I wasn't sure I could get through things. And during these times, days passing, time accumulating behind me, felt like a blessing. A blessing to just have time pass and put distance between myself and hard times.

Since I've started practicing yoga, I'm learning to quiet my mind and body, to withdrawal my senses from over stimulation, and to go within. And when I practice, I find peace within, peace that was already there waiting to be discovered, tapped into. Through yoga, I become at peace to just be, now.

Also, I've felt less resistance to wanting to push away the present, and just as importantly, I'm cultivating self awareness to recognize when I am resisting. Not always, for sure, (those pesky life patterns) but, overall when I practice-when I don't resist practice-I'm learning to be more comfortable being present, even when things are really difficult.

Learned the Hard Way

Two things I desperately wish I had on hand when we moved into the new digs:

1) Wasp Spray

2) A Plunger

(Not necessarily in that order, but I think I've said enough!)
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On another note, I'm glad to say that I've been able to wake up early enough the past three days just to have a bit of light restorative yoga in the early morning. It has felt really good to start the day with some stretching and breathing; very helpful for easing the aches and pains from all the manual labor lately!

Friday Home Yoga Sequence

Lately, my home practice has been feeling very stale, and while I long to be practicing at the yoga studio with my favorite teachers, my finances just can't support this right now. So, I'm always on the look out for ways to make yoga affordable and accessible, and I'm happy to pass ideas along to you as I discover them.

I went to Yoga Journal's web page and found a feature that offers a yoga sequence builder. I'm going to give it a try. If you want to check it out, go here and take a look. There is an option to make your own sequence or to click on a sample sequence as well. Either way, you can put in options for all levels, intermediate and advanced sequences/poses. Today, I'm feeling drawn to seated twists, back bends, Bandha positions, deep breathing (pranayama) and some good old restorative poses to end with. I'm going to enter all of this in, see what suggestions they give, play around a bit, and give it a try today and throughout my weekend. If you try this out, too, I'd love to know what you thought about using this sequence building guide.

Happy Friday to all!

What's Your Dosha, Baby.

Last night instead of vegging out in front of the TV, again, I decided to flip through the latest issue of Yoga Journal and read the article "Pampering with Purpose" by Hillari Dowdle. Considering that I haven't had my haircut in months, my nails look like I've been constantly gardening, or such activity-which I assure you, I haven't been-and that the closest I've come to a "spa treatment" is just brushing my teeth, I'd say I was living very vicariously through this article.

Although I don't frequent spas, (but, hey, I'm not opposed to them. I'm just saying, you know, in case the universe wants to send me on an all inclusive spa-trip.) I am starting to learn more about Ayurveda approaches, and thought this was an interesting article. The author gave a web address to Yoga Journal's on-line site, which will lead you here where you can take a quiz to identify your dominant Dosha(s). You'll also find other links on that page where you can learn more about Doshas and yoga.

So, I took the quiz and my dominant Dosha is a pitta with vata as a close second. I wasn't too surprised to discover this. Although, honestly, I didn't realize I was so intense most (read: all) of the time. Aqua Man assures me that I am. That must be why he's always like, "Hey, are you going to yoga class/getting ready to practice yoga at home? You are? THAT'S GREAT!"

How about you? What's your Dosha?

At The End of The Pier

After dropping The Kid off at school this morning, I drove straight to the river park and walking path to sneak in a quick walk before I went home to get some things done. I needed the stress relief, big time. This Friday will be a day which will give Aqua Man and I more information about whether we will be staying here, in this city, or whether we will be relocating to another state, all together. And if the latter is the case, that move could happen very, very fast. I am excited and nervous; he is excited and nervous.

In the midst of all of the reality, I've made the choice to hold off on pitching new freelance work until the end of the week, but no matter the outcome, whether we stay here, or we move, I'll have to pull in more work. Either way, though, my work will shift, but each place will require different ways in which this will happen, almost all of which, I have no idea what that will really mean until I'm in it. I fully support this move, and believe that equally exciting opportunities will open up for me as a result of it, but it still leaves a lot of big details to come together. It's just a lot of unknowns, maybes and possibilities, right now. All of which are equally exciting and scary. Also, The Kid is turning 5 years old this Sunday. 5 years old! This is just blowing my mind, and giving me plenty to reflect on, as well. Knowing that these "big days" are approaching at the end of the week makes for some interesting ups and downs.

So, with all of this on my mind, I walked until I was eventually able to loosen my grip on my thoughts, and to just enjoy the surroundings. I didn't plan it, but when I eventually tired of walking, I was drawn to the end of the pier. And once on the end of the pier, I was drawn to do some light yoga and stretching, which then led me to a 20-minute sitting meditation practice.

At first I held back a little-a bit self-conscious of who might be looking at me-but slowly I got over that, and it was awesome to be outside practicing. The birds were flying and diving into the water, a rowing crew rowed by, the wind was steadily blowing, leaves were swirling at the end of the pier, and I could hear metal chimes ringing from across the other side of the river. And I felt intimately a part of it all. I was in my own little space, breathing my own mantra in and out, while connected to every ripple of the river, every bird, and every gust of wind. It was just a divine moment of unexpected peace.

The hardest part was coming out of meditation and leaving the outdoors. I truly felt like I could have stayed in meditation for the rest of the day, just breathing and sitting in stillness at the end of that pier. On my walk back to my car, the serenity and peace I had felt was quickly followed by a bit of sadness at leaving that space. I didn't want to go back home, be by myself, sitting inside, and face my work, my tasks, my to-do list.

I'm taking this feeling of being psychically separated from my serenity as a challenge and a lesson. The challenge, I think, is to find this serenity even when I'm not at the end of that pier-even in the face of to-do lists, and things that I might not want to do. I know this serenity always lies within me-as I believe it's in each one of us.

Sitting in my home office right now, typing this post, I can suddenly hear my neighbor's wind chimes ringing, birds chirping, and the blowing leaves, and I am transported back to the end of that pier, when I felt at peace and a part of everything. I wonder, was that chime ringing the whole time I was writing?

And there in lies my lesson, I think: I choose my focus. I can focus on the chitta in my mind, or I can just acknowledge it, and let it go. I can choose to bring myself to calming thoughts. Over, and over, and over, again, (yup, sometimes, its just like that), I can come back to the calm that already lies within.

Resistance

It comes in many forms in my life, but resistance is one of the most present issues that I have to be mindful of, and more often than not, I feel as if I'm trying really hard to overcome it. Which, of course, is counterproductive because even trying to overcome resistance can become its own form of resistance. *jeez*

Learning to observe and just let go of resistance rather than engaging its essence, is really where its at, me thinks. Much easier said than done though, for sure.

Earlier this week, while flipping through books and on-line journals, I found an article at Yoga Journal about overcoming resistance. A few ideas in this piece resonated with me, so I thought I'd pass it on (I have a "Take what you like and leave the rest" attitude when it comes to reading articles, books, etc.). Perhaps someone else may find something interesting, useful, or helpful in this article, as well.
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Wishing all a happy Friday, free of (negative) resistance!

2.3 Seconds of this.....

Yesterday, I was goofing around with arm balance poses, and I was actually able to get into this and hold it. For all of about 2.3 seconds. Now, believe me, it wasn't nearly as pretty as that picture. But, I did it! And it was an awesome 2.3 seconds at that. It was really exciting, and surprising, to discover balance and strength that I didn't know I had. I truly had no idea I could do this. 

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Aqua Man and I are going through a really trying time right now regarding work, and a possible relocation. Lots of unknowns and maybes and wait and sees. It has required a lot of mental and spiritual fortitude to stay in the moment, to stay positive and to stay detached from a pre-determined outcome that we may think is "the answer."  Honestly, as the waves of maybes and who-knows have come, I haven't always been able to ride them very smoothly. 

Recently, one of my best friends--I'll call her CaliGirl--sent me an email last week with some words of encouragement. She is very wise and funny and always there to share an honest, strong, and positive mind-frame with me. Her words were few and poignant, and they really resonated with me. So I adopted them as my personal mantra. By now, I've probably repeated them about a thousand times: "I affirm the highest and the best for myself and my family." Over and over I repeat these words. While I'm meditating, and any time my mind wanders to the unknown, or fantasies of what may be, I've brought my mind back to these words; "I affirm the highest and the best for myself and my family." 

I can feel a difference from internalizing these words, a shift in my perspective. A focus on calling into my life-our lives-what ever the highest and the best will be. This feels very different from trying to make something work, or spending my time wanting a particular outcome. When I loosen my resistance and practice this perspective, it is freeing, and surprisingly revitalizing. I'm thinking this internal shift has something to do with me unknowingly cultivating a bit more strength and balance, which I discovered in Side Crane yesterday. 

I so appreciate yoga and the lessons it brings. And I am so grateful for my friend, CaliGirl, who is always, always there, for me and with me, along this crazy journey. I am also grateful to my other friends, near and far, who inspire me in so many ways that they aren't even aware of. 

Oh, yea. And I'm also grateful for coffee cause' I can't live without it. I'm just saying. 

Morning Mush

This morning, The Kid woke up around 6:30 a.m. which is about an hour earlier than his usual wake up time. I was in the middle of my yoga practice, in the dark, on my mat, when he walked into the room and startled me. Well, actually, we both startled each other. After a short hug and moments of answering his questions about what yoga posture I was doing, and what kind of breathing makes that noise, etc., The kid suddenly perked up and said, "Hey, why aren't you snuggling me in bed, Mommy?" At first I didn't get what he was saying, but then I realized that some mornings, time allowing, I would sit on the side of his bed, rubbing his back, snuggling, and slowly helping to wake him up. But over the months this has been less and less as we've gotten busier, and The Kid has grown.

But this morning, since The Kid was up so early he expected his morning snuggle. He was a bit taken aback that I hadn't thought of it myself (Um, okay, listen. You just walked out. It's still dark. Coffee is a distant thought. Work with me, will you?) Yea, what was I thinking? HELLO! You are awake, I am awake. There-fore I should be snuggling you, not practicing yoga in the dark . Of course, makes perfect sense.

So, we lay down together and after a few moments of quiet, The Kid turned to me and began a word game that we used to play when he was younger.

"Mommy, I love you SOOOOOO much."

"I love you, SOOOOOO much."

"Mommy, I love you one hundred-fifty thousand!"

"Wow. I love you one million!"

"Mommy, I love you fifty million!"

"Well, I love you to the moon and back. "

"Mommy, I love you to Kenya. And to Florida and Chicago and New York."
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Awesome!

Restoration Needed

I'm up and at it a bit earlier than usual this morning in the hope of squeezing in some time to put together ideas for my home yoga practice before everyone wakes up. It's still dark out, and I can hear the wind blowing, a neighbor's wind chime chiming, and slowly a few birds are beginning to wake-up. It's so nice to get up this early, and to have this time to myself.

Two factors influenced me to wake up earlier today and to spend some time both writing and focusing on yoga: stress has been steadily building in several areas of my life lately, and my home yoga practice has become a bit stale. It's sometimes tempting to cut my yoga practice in the short term, but now is when I need it the most.

Last night, when I went to bed, I was thinking about what I might want to practice today. The ideas were mostly focused on arm balances. Today, though, I know what I really need is some restoration to my mind and bodies balance. So, after I drop The Kid off to school I will come home and give myself the time and space--despite my building "to-do" list and the anxiety surrounding it--to take time for my yoga practice. I know from past experience that leaving time for yoga, even in the face of having a lot to do, actually helps me manage the stress better, and ultimately I become more productive and clear minded.

Today, I'll draw on a variety of inspiration to give new life to my home practice. I'll take a few ideas from my studio practice, and here, and here, as well as to just let things evolve for what I may need in the moment. Now, if I can just lay off the coffee this morning so that I can actually lay on the mat...

Here's to restoration!

OW!!!

Who could have known that what started out as a harmless, half hour home yoga practice session this morning at 11:30 a.m. would leave me painfully sore only 10 hours later? All I can say right now is "OW!!" Wanting to shake things up a bit today, I decided to try a power yoga class which airs on a local public television channel and, wouldn't you know it, it was all about increasing arm strength, specifically, the top of the shoulders. Oh, yea! Arms. *Insert sarcasm here.* I also took The Kid to the park for about 2 1/2 hours today where he practiced skate boarding, which entails him pulling on my right arm/side most of the time. I must say though, he really is getting the hang of it!

But here's what I really learned today from my half-hour power-yoga-public-television-access-home-practice: laying off my regular yoga practice program for the past four and a half weeks--holiday schedule changes, traveling and my general inability to stay balanced through the holiday onslaught--led me to lose about 50% off my arm strength in about 31 days. This was a sad reality to face, as I had been really focusing on building arm strength lately. (Note: It took about 3 months, or about 90 days to build it up.) Bummer. I'm not judging, I'm just saying.

Well, here's hoping I can find my Tiger Balm and, hey, maybe I'll get a back rub, too. Throw in a couple of cups of hot tea and an extra long hot shower, and I just might be able to stand up-right tomorrow without frowning. Oh, sweet balance. Come back to me.

What I've Learned From Watching Reality TV

I know this title may sound like an oxymoron, but I truly have learned something from watching my two favorite reality shows: Top Chef and Project Runway. I know, I know its sounds really cheesy, but it's true! I have to say that over the last ten years I've gone from not having a TV in my home (by choice) to being a regular watcher of certain Reality TV shows. I know that Reality TV isn't the smartest, or most quality of programs available, but, dammit, I love my Top Chef and Project Runway! I can honestly say that I have, in fact, learned something from watching these shows, and what I've learned from watching is this: In the overall picture of trying to meet one's goals, winning doesn't really mean that much. What matters, rather, is that one keep moving forward in order to make and sustain real progress.

The reason I really like Top Chef and Project Runway is because we get to see the process of, well, the creative process. Week after week we get to see contestants create, cook, and design. One week we get to see someone win a challenge. The following week, that same person may rank in the bottom, and come very close to being eliminated. I love this-not people almost getting eliminated, but the look inside the processional nature of how things unfold when you are moving towards your goals.

Yesterday, I felt such resistance to my home yoga practice. I could think of so many other things to do, and so many reasons why it wasn't that big of a deal if I skipped my practice. I mean, I really DID. NOT. WANT. TO. PRACTICE. But I know that there are certain intentions and goals that I have come to understand are right for me, and in order to move into realizing these I need to allow myself to practice, to let go of resistance. Usually, when I begin my yoga practice, my mind almost instantly settles, and I become calm from within. Not yesterday. Nope! It was all chitta, chitta, chitta. So, instead of resisting, as I've done before, I just accepted where I was. I found my mat, rolled it out, and began my home practice with all that chitta going on. I slowly began to breath, to practice asanas, and to gently bring my mind back to my mat when it wandered, which it did almost the entirety of my practice. But, it was just one of those days!

I often struggle against resistance, and by doing so, I can make things much harder than they need to be. Lately, I've been slowly learning to acknowledge resistance, and to continue on anyways, just accepting it, rather than fighting it. Resistance is a pattern of mine but through my yoga practice and other inspiration (sometimes found in strange places) I'm learning that meeting one's intentions is a creative and sometimes winding process that requires regular movement forward. Practicing in the face of resistance, whether it is a "winning" practice or a "barely got through it" practice, is still, well, practice!

Just Let Go

"It's okay, Mommy. Just let go." That's how my day began early this morning. I was greeted with these words of wisdom from our 4 1/2 year old son, as he and I snuggled together under his covers before we began the morning routine of getting out the door for the day.

"It's okay, Mommy. Just let go," The Kid had said with an easy smile. He was referring to the blanket that we both clutched. We were hiding underneath it while continuously having to hold it up with our elbows in an attempt to keep it from falling on our faces. We were "hiding" from his dad, my life partner, who was getting ready for work. When we first started hiding under the cover, The Kid had really wanted to keep the blanket up above our heads so that our shapes weren't as easily detected (You know, a "fun" shock for dad at 7:30 in the morning when he would inevitably stumble into this morning "surprise". Nothing says "Good Morning!" like an ambush attack from one of the rooms of your own home! ). After many, many attempts to keep the blanket off of our faces, The Kid had finally just accepted the blanket falling onto him as part of the reality of hiding underneath it for so long. Still half asleep, I hadn't even noticed that I was the only one still putting my elbow up, trying to keep it from falling on us.

"It's okay, Mommy. Just let go," The Kid had said with an easy smile, looking right into my eyes. He gave a bit of a shrug and then moved my arm from above the covers letting the blanket fall onto both our faces. We both laughed; him at the blanket that fell on my face, and I at the realization that I hadn't even noticed that I had still had my elbow in the air. I also knew, on a deeper level, that I had been putting this behavior into practice in other areas of my life, carrying on as usual, not really noticing that I have been acting without much awareness. To a certain extent I had been avoiding and continuing on with what I've already done, yet still expecting different results.

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When I can, I practice at a local yoga studio, and over the past few months, thanks to a schedule change, I've had the amazing opportunity to take classes with a variety of instructors. Each instructor has a distinct and beautiful way of teaching and sharing their yoga knowledge. Despite the differences in teaching styles, I've noticed that the same questions have been asked over and over again. While we are holding poses for a length of time, they ask: "Can you turn your awareness to your body and find any place or places where you are gripping?" "Can you find a way to soften that grip?" "Can you find a way to be gentle with yourself even in the face of hard work?" Always a kinesthetic learner these questions have had huge impacts on me, on and off the mat.

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There are a lot of uncertainties and changes going on in my life right now. Sometimes I go onto auto pilot and just keep doing what I've been doing when things are like this. Other times, I grip onto a behavior or way of being, especially in the face of the unknown. When my son spoke those words of wisdom, he provided me with a moment of awareness, and a chance to revisit my yoga logic. It all suddenly seemed so ridiculous-my worries, my "trying" to make things work, my avoiding and gripping. In that moment, I realized that I have been unnecessarily creating suffering in my life. It is said that learning to let go is a process that we go through over and over again. In this silly moment with The Kid, the awareness gave way to clarity which provided me with an instant moment of relief. A reminder that with awareness comes the ability to make better choices and to access the answers that already lie within.

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This blog is another act of letting go. I've wanted to start a blog for the past year or more. I've been reading many blogs (and lurking!) for a long time, but I haven't taken the leap to write my own. I hope I am able to loosen my grip, to soften in the face of sharing my writing, and to just let go.