Just Walking

Every Morning for the past two weeks, as part of my "I've got to do something to help my healing" campaign, I would spend about 10 minutes upon waking, lying in bed, envisioning myself walking around our new neighborhood. I would see myself pain free, walking with a normal stride, just enjoying being able to be pain free again.

I went beyond just seeing myself walk in my mind's eye, though. I would see a detailed image of myself--putting my coat on, opening the front door, opening the gate, stepping onto the sidewalk, easily crossing the street, noticing the trees, the leaves, the beautiful weather. I could easily move my knee in all directions and lightly walk up and down the streets. Eventually, I would see myself walking all the way into town and back, absolutely pain free. Totally healed.

Just as important, I would also spend time imagining, in depth, how I felt during each detail of this envisioned walk. Happy, carefree, smiling, grateful, light, and unburdened. Free of pain and freedom in being healed. I didn't dare attempt this vision until I felt I had really internalized both the physical and emotional aspects of it.

Well, today turned out to be my day! Not only did I walk three blocks to The Kid's school, but instead of coming home the same route, I turned, crossed the street and took a long walk around the neighborhood!!! It truly felt like I was making my vision come true. It was just a great couple of simple moments. The sun was shining and it was beautiful weather for October. I'm not sure how far I walked and that alone is huge because it means that I wasn't counting the blocks wondering if I would be able to make it home. No! Instead, I was just walking.

Just walking. This is a sentiment I do not take for granted, anymore.

This Cat Can Really Chill

I love my cat (whom I will refer to as "Kitty" as to protect his anonymity on this blog:) and since I've been spending a lot of time at home these past seven weeks, I appreciate him even more. He's been great company and watching him has been very entertaining. I've noticed while observing his behaviors these past weeks that this cat can really chill! Check him out here, diligently "working" on building his winter fluff. It's a difficult regimen of piling on the calories, non-activity (as much as possible), and lots and lots of napping. Rough, really rough.

Greetings From The Bahamas

Today was my eighth physical therapy session, and I received a great report from my physical therapist. He was busy saying things like "good job" and "way to go" and "that's it" throughout our entire session today. I even got a "that's huge!" while working on the leg press machine when he realized that, from last week until today, I had increased my leg strength and he could switch me to a higher band of resistance. I also doubled the number of reps I was able to complete. It was a much needed positive session, especially after the really tough backslide I had two weeks ago. In fact, my physical therapist thinks that I'll need just a couple of more sessions and our work together will be done.

Over the last two weeks, as I've had ups and downs with my healing process, I've learned that reconnecting with proper core and hip alignment is essential for proper knee alignment. And today, particularly, I learned one humbling lesson: my "core" muscles, or tummy muscles, well, they've seemed to have left the building, so to speak. I was wiggling and wobbling and had very, very little "core" to speak of while trying to complete a particular cross training exercise. So, yes, they have definitely left the building in the past months. I'm guessing that they've been on vacation? Probably in the Bahamas, if they know how to really take a break.

Backslide

Since my last post, the days and nights, at times, have been filled with intense physical pain, and an ever present sense of frustration that I do my best to just acknowledge rather than to latch onto and feed. I kind of say, 'Hello frustration. Yes, I know you're there' and then try to just move on from it. Believe me, when in intense pain, not attaching to frustration is much easier said than done. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I had a total backslide. One moment I was off my crutches, slowing getting about, cutting back on my medicine, feeling sassy and, mostly, pain free. And the next moment, I quickly slid back into excruciating pain that lasted for days. Pain that I hadn't felt since the original injury. Up all night, can't go to sleep, crying, can't get comfortable, or get a break from, pain.

So what happened? A combination of doing too much partly because I had too (Aqua Man went out of town for the whole weekend for his job and I had no back up to help and life goes on with a child) and doing too much because I thought I "should" be doing more than I was (I thought I would be the "good" patient who stunned doctors with my ability to heal, well, not so much), and just the natural, lengthy process of healing a knee sprain. At my age (This statement? This seems to be something that, unsolicited, people like to remind me of these days. Great. Super. Kick me while I'm down, why don't ya!).

From this setback I have started to learn my limits, and more importantly I've gotten in touch with the exact type of movements that aggravate my knee and put me back into the place of the original injury. I'm learning to back off when I go too far. I'm learning not to go too far at all. All of it progress. Yes.

But I can't help but feel a bit disheartened today. Just six weeks ago, on Monday I was interviewing for a children's yoga instructor position, and then the next day I was on my butt having slipped and fell in that damn coffee house rendering me totally incapable of teaching. And tomorrow was supposed to be the first day of the start of my Adult Yoga Certification training program something I've been wanting to do for years now and took a tremendous amount of courage and hard work for me to work my way up to being ready to do. Obviously, I am not in a place to participate in this, and if being honest, I am a bit crushed on the eve of the start of that training program.

My best friend, an atheist and great advice giver, keeps reminding me that everything, in fact, really does happen for a reason. Being the cynic that I am, I'm not entirely sure of this. But I do believe this: Either, everything happens for a reason, or, rather, I like to find a reason in everything. I vacillate between the two sense making philosophies.

And the sense making is what I am struggling most with right now. I thought I would find something to replace my previous path by now. I thought I would have already discovered "the reason" I fell and injured my knee. I thought the "what's next" would have presented itself by now; the reason I am currently unable to teach and train in yoga. I so wanted to be the "success story"-to take an injury and turn it into something positive, something else-a new business, a new direction, a great epiphany that set me on a new, positive path. Instead, these days, I'm feeling a bit like an aging, untold story-and a boring one at that.

I know that I am back on track and slowly healing, and making progress. But it is taking all that I have right now, in terms of my healing process, to hold onto the small successes and to accept them as enough, rather than dismissing them as not enough, yet.

Up and Running

First, some personal good news to share. All of Aqua Man's family are safe, healthy, and doing okay in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike. It was a terrifying experience for many of them, and so scary from this end not knowing if they were making it through intact. Most of them still have lots to deal with, some more than others, in terms of the aftermath, but all are safe, and we are so thankful for this. For others who did not fair as well in the wake of Hurricane Ike, still our hearts are with them.

Second, I am back up and running, er, walking to be more exact. I'm on day three of barely using my crutches and for the most part doing so entirely pain free. I can still feel my knee talk back to me if I move it just so, but I have come so far in my healing. Just four weeks ago I was in so much pain I was only mentally projecting myself into this place, trying to remember what it used to feel like before the pain, trying to remember what it was like to walk without wincing. At times the pain would spike so strong that I wasn't sure I would be able to get to the other side of it, or if there was another side to get to at all. Now I have arrived at this point, and for this I am so, so thankful.

And, lastly, on a slightly lighter note, I have to say that I have never been so happy to arrive at Monday morning. Or for a weekend to end. It truly felt like one thing after the other (some trivial), after the other (some not); worrying about Aqua Man's family, staying up until the wee hours of the morning watching hurricane coverage and, watching tornado and flood warnings in our area, our basement filling with water in response to all of the rain, precious pictures sitting in stagnant water with all the yet to be unpacked boxes joining them, our roof dripping in our den as the rain kept coming, and coming, The Kid waking up in the middle of the night crying, not feeling well. By early Saturday morning, a trip to the doctor revealed that The Kid had developed a nasty ear infection, and all the while we were preparing for our small house warming party that seemed to need still so much to be done to host. More rain, more rain, flood advisories, trips to the pharmacy and finally.....we threw in the towel, and canceled our party. And you know what? In the end, it felt damn good. There, I said it. Instead, we just stayed home, all three of us, the rain and The Kid's ear infection, and the state of our ridiculous basement (given the context), influencing us to stay put together. And it turned out to be a welcome relief.

Like my BFF from H.S. puts it, sometimes when things are just not going right with trying to get something done it seems like life is talking back to you, telling you the timing is off. The Universe is telling you, 'Hey, this just isn't gonna happen!' Things are not lining up and they are not going to, no matter how hard you try to make it so; it's not the right time, clue in!' This is what it felt like this past weekend, regarding the trivial things.

Response to Universe regarding this past weekend: We heard you loud and clear.

Or as The Kid puts it:
Roger, roger.
Over. And out.

Like Riding A Bike

I had my second physical therapy appointment on Monday, and I go again today. I met with a new PT and this session was way more intense than my first session. I walked in and met my new PT, and he was all, "Hi, how are you! (including enthusiastic, strong, hand crushing hand-shake. Gulp.) Why don't you get started by riding the stationary bike? Go, on, jump up there and get started. I'll check back in a minute!"

And I was all like, "Um, yeah. He, he, he. You see, while I totally want to be cooperative and I'm all about healing, the thing is Mr. PT, there are two issues with this idea. 1) Jumping. Jumping concerns me. I can't really step, let alone jump. And 2) Riding a bike? A bike? The thing with the pedals that go round and round? Right. Um, not to point out the obvious, but, uh, doesn't that require one's knee to be able to bend? Okay, great, just checking.

So, I didn't jump up. I used my crutches and a step up stool and the help of a PT assistant, and low and behold, I rode that damn bike! Slow, and with no resistance, but I rode that damn bike! Then I went on to use a recumbent step machine, with resistance, and a stability ball, and weights on my knees, and lots of, I'll say "interesting," strength resistance exercises. And while I'm no stranger to using my body, or working out, I was t-i-r-e-d.

However, it's the first time that I've been able to consistently bend my knee! This was a huge relief; to learn that I can bend it without worrying about blowing my knee cap out (sorry, that was gross!). The movement itself helps to move the fluid out from around my knee cap which then gives me a greater range of motion. This has been so liberating to learn. The creeks, and snaps, and cracks I hear are just part of the healing process (sorry, that was probably gross again? I'm just really into movement and how our body works...).

My session lasted for 1 1/2 hours which took me right up into the time I had to pick up The Kid from school. It was supposed to be just 1 hour, but, Mr. PT is enthusiastic, as I mentioned. And it was pouring rain, again, which makes the logistics of getting where I need to be, on time, and crutching without falling, that much more of a challenge.

So, on my drive home I called Aqua Man and did what I needed to do. I had myself a good cry. I cried for most of the ride. Then one block away from The Kids school I pulled myself together, found the closest parking spot I could, and crutched out to pick up The Kid carefully avoiding puddles. I was so sore from the long session, and so afraid that I wouldn't even be able to get out of the car again to get The Kid. But I did. And I was so afraid that I wouldn't be functional for him. But I was. Thankfully, later that night, I was feeling great with an amazing range of motion.

And yesterday, for the first time in weeks, I took The Kid outside and we went for a very short walk up the street so that he could pick up leaves. And, for that short time, I walked without my crutches (the goal is to "ween me" from these)! Woo-hoo.

Now, let's see what Mr. PT has in store for me today. Yea! Gulp.