Taking The Journey

Think On This: A Meditation for Today

2012-01-24T09:59:00.000-05:00

"The Zen approach to thought is to acknowledge rather than deny it. Thoughts given control can block your creativity and ability to communicate. Engage the thoughts with a lightness and playfulness, with an attitude that they don't have power over you - help them move along." www.thingstobehappyabout.com

Think On This: A Meditation for Today

2012-01-23T17:34:00.000-05:00

"Start from now and make a brand new ending."

We Are All A Piece of The Puzzle: Wisdom From The Kid

2012-01-17T11:30:00.001-05:00

This morning I drove The Kid around, just to get him out of the house to get a break from his long weekend filled with Bronchitis and coughing and sleepless nights, and, today, another day home sick.

It rained and the windshield wipers set their own rhythm, and we watched the changing scenery driving aimlessly about our town, watching the snow quickly melting, revealing surprising tufts of deep green grass; an unexpected contrast to a few small piles of bright, white snow. As we moved, simply changing our scenery, The Kid's questions and contemplations poured out: "The one thing is, the one thing they just can't answer, is the most important question of all: 'How did it all begin?' Life that is. They say it's the Big Bang theory. But, what made the rocks that banged together in the first place. People keep asking and wondering, but we just really don't know. It fascinates me to think how small we are. A mansion, that seems huge, but in the whole Universe, it's just tiny. I'm tiny. I'm really just one small puzzle piece that is connected to all the larger pieces in the Universe."

Think On This: A Meditation for Today

2012-01-17T11:15:00.001-05:00

"Do not crave material pleasures and then cry for your loss."
www.thingstobehappyabout.com

41 and a Half

2012-01-17T11:02:00.002-05:00

I haven't really thought about why it's been so long since I've last written. If I pause, or, rather, just let my thoughts flow while my fingers fly across the keys....mostly, it's because I've gone inward more this past year and a half. I've been less willing to share my thoughts and processing, even with those near and dear. Sometimes, I've fallen out of touch with my own thoughts and processing, taking in too much of what's going on around me; what other's think, what others are doing, what other's are buying, what other's think I should think and do and buy. It's overwhelming sometimes to feel that I'm surrounded by other's energy that doesn't quite match my own, doesn't quite resonate with my values...yet, what are my values, these days? What do I value? What is of value? How do I value? Where do I place value?

I suppose in some ways I've grown quite, in response. I've tried to go inward to gather a sense of my own direction, my own energy, my own way. In small ways, I've been shifting and changing, or, perhaps better put trying to shift and change. It has felt like a slow, unceremonious process. Nothing big happening; nothing extraordinary taking place. Yet I feel, internally, in the quiet, extremely shy and sometimes shaky and dimly lit places of my psyche, that I am making a slow way to change. But, there is no clear direction, yet; rather, a process of some sort, slowly in motion. A quiet, steady internal movement towards something.....a new way of being? Yes, that's it. A hope for a lighter, clearer, more joyful way of living.

It feels glacier paced, this process, and I am quite often impatient and irritable at my own process, of striving for--exactly what--other than change, I am not entirely sure. But, change is a strive worthy existential experience (I quietly tell myself). At times, it feels a bit daunting, this process, and, other times, a bit ridiculous. I suppose though, being extremely honest with myself, that I have to admit that I like that life often rolls out in this manner--sometimes unclear, yet, in the same instance, filled with possibilities--the ironies and clarities of living daily life.

Official 4-0

2010-08-11T03:32:00.001-04:00

It's 1:54 am, Central Time, and I've just hung up the phone after talking with one of my best friends, my first birthday call of the day, marking the official change from one decade to another. It is a Happy Day, and I am one fortunate, blessed person.
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People have been asking me what it feels like to turn 40, and I have to say, that in the best possible of ways, I feel that my age fits me--I am the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. I feel at peace with where I am in my life, with where I've been, and with moving forward in my life. I know that I am blessed to have my family and friends in my life, and I am filled with gratitude for where I have arrived in my life.
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Earlier today (or, officially, yesterday), I surprised The Kid and took him out to lunch at a local kid's restaurant that serves its food in baskets traveling atop a children's train set. He has been wanting to visit this place for a while and, as the beginning of school looms right around the corner, today seemed like the perfect day to take a break and eat out. Lots of kids come to this particular restaurant to celebrate their birthdays, as the restaurant gives each birthday child a free, homemade cupcake topped with frosting, sprinkles, and a train whistle and a lit candle on top. You cannot top that.

Once we ordered our lunch, The Kid immediately decided on his dessert--a homemade cupcake, with homemade frosting, sprinkles and a train whistle. Yes, that was what he wanted. Then, suddenly, he realized it was the day before my birthday and he encouraged me to ask if adults could also get a cupcake for their birthday. And, after much pleading from The Kid, I finally asked our waitress. Soon enough, a pink frosted cupcake, topped with a pink candle, came gliding down the track inside a yellow basket riding on the train. To accompany my birthday treat, the restaurant played "Happy Birthday To You" on their stereo. The Kid thought it was funny, and so did I, though I was a tiny bit embarrassed, and so was he. But, we quickly got over it, as everyone knows homemade frosting helps you with that. So, we each ate our cupcake, and when he was through, The Kid took a quarter he'd been carrying around for a while over to the gumball machines. So, I sat thinking about how special this moment was; a spontaneous lunch with my 7 year old son, on the last day in my 30's. Suddenly, The Kid snuck up behind me, interrupting my thoughts, and handed me a tiny, plastic shell. "Here Mom," he said shyly, "I got this for you. Open it." I did, only to find an adorable, white, plastic star ring complete with a black smiley face painted on the front of the star and a black hair bow on top of the star's "head." When he saw how much I loved it, The Kid leaned in to give me a hug and said, "This is for you Mom. I love you so much. I was trying to decide if I was going to get myself something, or if I was going to get you something, and I decided to get you something for your birthday."

This plastic, star shaped ring is now my new, very most favorite piece of jewelry, ever.
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Happy Birthday to Me, indeed.

How Time Flies

2010-08-03T15:00:00.001-04:00

So, it's been several months since my last post, and here's what's been happening:

*The Kid has finished first grade, and, is now an "official, almost" second-grader. I can't believe how fast the time flew. We are so proud of him, and are constantly in awe of how much he's grown and learned. In fact, school starts again in just a few weeks. Until then, we are squeezing in as much summer fun as possible.

*I've started my own small business, designing and hand making jewelry, a long time passion and love of mine. It's been an exciting, energizing, and challenging process. I'm also still working at my part-time job, as well. It has taken lots of time to get things set up behind the scenes, as well as to get my designs made, and out there. There is still more work to go, as this business is a work in progress. All in all, it fells good to be putting my focus, time and energy into my own business.

*Aqua Man and I celebrated our 11th Anniversary this May, and wow has it been a bit of a wild ride these past two years: another relocation, adjusting to a whole new schedule, changing careers. This past year was much better in so many ways, and quite hard in some areas. Both of us feel grateful that we are still making our way together. The hard times have revealed where we need to put our focus on getting stronger and working better as a team. The good times have revealed that we still have a great time together.

*In June, one of my best friends came out for a visit and we were able to spend lots of quality time together; something that is a real treat since she lives on the other side of the map! Lots of good talks, laughter, and good eats.

*In July, we had an amazing family vacation with my hubbie's side of the family. It was so good to see everyone, and to have down time together as a family, as it has been about two years since we've been on vacation together.

*Lastly, turning 40 is just around the corner for me! I'm grateful for my health, my family, and my friends, and I continue to look at where I've been, and where I'm heading. I'm looking forward to this new decade.

Flashback Friday JAM: Big Audio Dynamite- The Bottom Line, 1985

2010-04-30T09:46:00.003-04:00

(This video is embedded, and I couldn't get the code to post it. If you want to watch it, click through to You Tube.)

Okay, this song has been playing in my mind all week long (and, here's the official video on You Tube). I don't know why it suddenly emerged from my memory, but I love it. When I listen to this song, I can see my record, the album cover, the turntable that I had in my room, and even the posters that I had on my wall. This song just brings back great memories of laughing and hanging out with friends.

Happy Friday!

Indie Night Out: Meeting Children's Author Jon Scieszka!

2010-04-29T22:01:00.006-04:00

NY Times Image, 2008

Last night, our local Indie Bookstore held a book-signing with children's author Jon Scieszka, and we decided to all go see him. The Kid likes Jon Scieszka's "Trucktown Smash! Crash!" books and is also just a huge fan of storytelling and writing his own stories, so we thought this would be really cool. Well, it was an awesome experience. Jon Scieszka was a really f-u-n-n-y, good-hearted, down-to-earth guy, and The Kid was totally inspired by meeting him (and, me and Aqua Man, too)!

To top the night off, The Kid had two of his new books autographed, and plenty of time to chat with Mr. Scieszka while he was signing his books. The Kid told him all about the stories he wants to write, and about a story that he's already written and illustrated on our MAC computer. It's a story heavy with knights, battles, and lots of action. After asking lots of questions about The Kid's story, Mr. Scieszka then decided to sign the following inscriptions, "To The Kid-My Fellow Writer!" and "To The Kid-My New Favorite Writer of "--- ------- -- ------!" (The Kid says it's top secret, so I can't tell you the title. Stay tuned though, I have a feeling you may be reading his book one day:)

I haven't had much time to knock around his website, but check it out if you can:

http://www.jsworldwide.com/

Happy Reading!

So Much Time

2010-04-27T13:06:00.008-04:00

Recently The Kid's school hosted an Open-House night where he was able to take us through his class room, and show us all of the cool things that he has been working on in first grade. The Kid was equally excited about this night, not only to show off all of his hard work, but because all of the kids would be given the chance to visit other classrooms to check them out. This meant that The Kid would be able to check out the "big kid rooms," including Sixth Grade! That's right, I said, SIXTH GRADE!!! This was going to be the highlight of his week. We arrived at school, and The Kid took us straight to his room, running from area to area, so proud and excited about what he'd been learning. We were able to see his desk, his folder of work, the classroom fish, the caterpillars they had just received for their new science unit, the math projects, and a cool mural that all of the first graders painted just for this special night. After showing us all of this, a bit breathless, The Kid declared, "Okay, that's it! Mom, Dad, let's go check out the other rooms!" So began "the room previews." First we stopped in the second grade classrooms, then down the hall to all three sixth grade classrooms, then to the two fifth grade classrooms, and then back to first grade, this time visiting the other class rooms. We definitely covered it all. And, in each room he would walk around, checking out the desks, the projects, taking it all in. Over all, he decided that it all seemed pretty cool, and do-able, like, "Hey! Sixth graders have a class pet, too. Wow, just like us."

With the approaching end of the year, and the experience of the Open House, The Kid has really been thinking about what's coming next. So when we were sitting down eating lunch the other day, The Kid and I had the following conversation:

The Kid: "Mom, this summer, when people ask me what grade I'm in, what do I tell them? I mean I won't be a first grader anymore, but I'm not really a second grader, yet"

Me: "Well, you can tell them that you are starting second grade in the fall."

Pause.

Me: "You know, I can't believe that you are finishing first grade, and heading into second grade next year. What happened to that little baby you used to be?!"

The Kid: "Mom! Well, you had a A LOT of days with me when I was a baby. You had to first go through 2003, then 2004, then 2005, then 2006, then 2007, then 2008, then 2009, and now it's 2010. And, here I am!!"
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Yes, all of those days. Days I sat and held you, rocked you, fed you, took you to parks, play-groups, classes, the beach, and on and on and on. I am thankful for each and everyone of those days we had together. And, for each day and experience we have together now, as you grow, change, and become more and more your own amazing person.

I look back at all of the time that has passed, the beginning of our time together, and I am content that, when I look at your baby pictures, I can remember what it felt like to hold you, your weight in my arms, your baby smell, and then all of the exciting moments that followed. For sure, every day wasn't easy, or perfect, or wonderful. For sure, the joy and expansion of love in my life couldn't have been known. And, I am thankful for every hour, every day, every week, every month, and every year that I have been your mom; the joy, the tears, all of it. So much time. And how fast the time goes.

Flashback Friday JAM: INXS, Need You Tonight - 1987

2010-04-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

Oh 80's music, I still love you so.

INXS, you so rocked. You were a favorite back-in-the-day-80's-band of mine. Hope you enjoy this Flashback JAM.

Happy Friday!

Thought for Wednesday

2010-04-21T08:46:00.004-04:00

"Meditate on forgiveness for yourself: There are many ways that I have betrayed, harmed, or abandoned myself through thought, word, or deed, knowingly or unknowingly. For each of the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of my fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself." www.thingstobehappyabout.com

This was the first thing that I read this morning, and the idea of reflecting on self-forgiveness really struck me as important and liberating. I can imagine that we perhaps, more easily, extend forgiveness to others, but don't easily extend forgiveness to ourselves. I'm going to think on this one today, for sure. Enjoy your Wednesday!

Young Love Pasta Salad

2010-04-20T21:55:00.007-04:00

More than a decade ago, Aqua Man had me over to his house for lunch. When I arrived he had just finished making us pasta salad, so we sat together, eating at his kitchen table, and talking. Back then, whenever we saw each other, we couldn't help but smile and talk with one another. We would spend time talking about ideas, creativity, and writing. Writing, writing, always talk of writing and language and expression. This first lunch together was no exception. I had known Aqua Man for just under a year, and increasingly looked forward to seeing him, to listening to him, to being heard by him, to being seen by him. Sitting together, at his kitchen table--a table that later we would move into the first place that we would share together, the beginning of a life that we would build together, that has so far spanned three different states, eight moves, starting our family, changing jobs and careers, and (re)examining and (re)defining our dreams and goals--we ate together. Not knowing that all of this was to come, or perhaps, at some level, knowing that all of this was to come. And that pasta salad tasted like the most amazing meal I had ever eaten in my life.

Back then, we were both finishing our degrees; I was beginning my Master's degree and Aqua Man was finishing his Ph.D. We lived in a small midwestern college town where each of us had our own place, and each of us could actually afford to rent our own house (a whole house!) and pay for it from combinations of graduate stipends and student loans. I remember Aqua Man's house as a modest, older, somewhat worn down, white framed home not unlike many things that were worn down in that small midwestern college town. Though it is only now, when I revisit pictures from my past, that I see that things were a bit worn down, and shabby. Back then, through my younger eyes, I saw my surroundings as magical and beautiful, unaware of any drabness.

I remember the first time I drove to Aqua Man's house to meet him for that pasta salad lunch. I can still hear the sound of my car tires crunching on his gravel driveway, seeing his unkept side gardens, wild with weeds and flowers, pressing towards the sun, escaping through the side walk cracks. I remember walking up that sidewalk to his back door and knocking, my pulse quickening, wondering what lie on the other side. I remember seeing Aqua Man's face when he opened the door, his bright smile and vivid blue eyes welcoming me in, as he swung his screen door open, inviting me into his home, his life. I remember that first step over his doorstep, slowly swinging my eyes over the scenery, taking in all of the little details, the decorations, the declarations, that expressed who he was. That day seems so long ago, yet not so far away. In so many ways, I feel so different from that young woman from so long ago; in so many ways I feel so similar to that young woman. In so many ways, Aqua Man and I are so different from those young people from so long ago; in so many ways, Aqua Man and I are still so similar to those two young people from so long ago.

Over the years, Aqua Man has come up with different versions of his Pasta Salad, and that's one of the things I love most about it. It's ever changing, dependent upon his mood, the layout of the kitchen itself, and the farmer's market or grocery store that we can frequent. Sometimes he uses Bow Tie Pasta, other times, Penne or Cork Screw Pasta. Usually he puts in carrots and Garbonzo Beans, but not always. Sometimes there are Black Olives and Red Peppers in his pasta salad. Sometimes he makes his own dressing, playing with new combinations of spices. Other times Marinated Artichoke Hearts add to the flavor of the dressing. Of all the ways that he changes his recipe, his pasta salad is always delicious and always brings back memories of when we first met: memories of Spring, of what had been quietly going on below, unrecognized, unaware, all of those years ago, below the surface of our surrounding landscape, and in our lives. His pasta salad always reminds me of when we fell in love.

Aqua Man hasn't cooked in a long time, but he has been cooking again these past couple of days. And, one of the first things he made was his pasta salad. This time, I shopped for the ingredients, bringing him options of things he might, or might not use, and left him to create in the kitchen. He made lasagna and stuffed shells, and then his pasta salad. And, when he brought me the first bite, in a small sample bowl, it tasted new and familiar, comforting and surprising, all in the same bite, and I smiled. We both filled our bowls, and sat together, eating. With each bite I remembered when we first fell in love, so long ago, not knowing that all of this was to come, or perhaps, at some level, knowing that all of this was to come.

Not knowing, though, that we would end up in that specific moment together. Still not knowing where it will all lead, or how it will all end up, because know one knows the answer to that. So we sit at the kitchen table that is now ours, in the home we share together, in our life, in the family that we have built, together. And that pasta salad tasted like the most amazing meal I have ever eaten in my life.

Happy Friday!

2010-04-16T10:27:00.005-04:00

This beautiful Tulip arrived in full bloom, in our side garden, just yesterday. It has amazing colors, and in person it is almost overwhelming, it is so bright, so saturated. And, FYI, I didn't photoshop this picture. This is just Mother Nature, and her mad skills, coming at you.

Wishing everyone a great weekend!

New Blooms

2010-04-12T15:26:00.016-04:00

The Kid and I have been waiting and watching, everyday for about two weeks, for a bunch of red tulips to bloom. Each day, as we come and go, we check on the buds, only to see just a hint of red.

Then one morning, suddenly, there were vibrant blooms that had popped open all around the side garden of our house.

When The Kid first saw these flowers he yelled out, excited that they were finally here, and that the colors were so bright.

It amazes me that The Kid feels so connected to nature, and I love seeing how he is aware of what is growing all around him.

I must admit, when I finally saw these blooms, I yelled a bit, too. Nature is just so cool.

A Glowing Review

2010-04-07T12:30:00.006-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, Aqua Man was out of town, traveling on back to back business trips. During the times that Aqua Man is out of town, especially during longer trips, I try to shake things up around dinner time as this is usually when The Kid starts to feel tired from his day, and misses his dad the most. On this particular night, The Kid was helping me get dinner together, when I suddenly decided that we would eat dinner in the family room, while watching TV, while sitting on the carpet. It would be like a little family room picnic, which is an experience reserved for "Movie Night" which usually takes place on the weekends. Did you see what I did there? I shook things up! Well, The Kid was very enthusiastic about this idea. He jumped up and down, and gave me a huge hug. And when we sat down to eat together, he settled into his spot on the carpet, put his plate on the coffee table, looked me right in the eyes, and said, "You are the best mom, ever. And, mom, listen. It's not because you're letting me watch TV, but because you take care of me, you get me good food from the grocery store, and you make me great dinners. Seriously, you are the best mom. Ever."

Okay, I know he was excited by the twist in plans. I know that watching TV, while eating, while having a weekday "floor picnic" was the impetus for this emotional outpouring, but, it was really touching. So, I told him that out of all the things I do, I care most about trying to be the best mom that I can be. And The Kid said, "Mom, you're doing it even better than you're trying to do."

Wow, now that's a glowing review.

On It's Way

2010-04-06T10:09:00.005-04:00

There are signs of Spring all around; yellow tulips in full bloom, and other buds breaking through the ground reaching up towards the sunlight.

This past week has been gorgeous: sunny, warm, and breezy. But, today we are back to dark skies and rain. I love this back and forth with the weather; getting to experience the process of change, of growth, of nature itself. This process is one of the things I enjoy the most about living in a four season climate.

Though I took this picture several years ago while we were living in another state, this image always makes me smile. It reminds me that no matter the state of the current weather, Spring will arrive, in full, when it's time.

Star Wars' Tumbles

2010-04-02T10:23:00.010-04:00

Breaking news in our house. As of last night, The Kid announced that all Star Wars movies have now fallen to a respectable, though surprising, second place. Before I share his explanation, let me give you a bit of context regarding his "ranking tendencies." After viewing the Winter Olympics, The Kid now ranks everything. As in first, second or third place. For example, "Mom, this dinner totally takes first place over the other first place dinner. This pasta? This sauce? This broccoli? This bread? This dinner now gets the gold medal and is in first place!" Also, everyone and everything occurs in the context of "facing each other." As in, "Mom, Direct TV and Cable are facing each other in their commercials. I think Direct TV is going to win. Why are they facing each other? What will the winner get? A gold medal?"

So, what movie could possibly bump the beloved, and previously thought un-beatable Star Wars Trilogy into second place? What film could strip Star Wars of it's Gold Medal, first place ranking in The Kid's mind? Walt Disney's "Swiss Family Robinson."

He summarized for us, "Mom, Dad, Swiss Family Robinson is sooooo much better than Star Wars. Because, in Star Wars, they have things, like lasers, light savers and droids that fight the bad guys. In Swiss Family Robinson they had (to make) different kinds of things: COCONUNT BOMBS! LOGS(to roll down the hill and run over attacking Pirates)! I never saw THAT before! Oh, a trap with a TIGER in it! HOLES that PIRATES fall into! AND, the whole time, they were trapped on an ISLAND!"

Take that "high-tech" Star Wars' movies, take that.

Back to Blogging

2010-04-01T11:24:00.009-04:00

After a long hiatus, just two months shy of a year, I'm ready to write and post again (So, the one, two, or three readers I had about a year ago, hi, I'm back, and thanks for reading!). Springtime always makes me want to write again; the fresh start, the stored up energy ready to finally blossom into something.

For the many months that I've been away, I've happily become a reader again. Actually reading books! Specifically, novels! Real ones! With covers and everything. Though I used to be a big reader, I really hadn't read many novels since the birth of The Kid, which was seven years ago in March. Yes, that's seven years ago (Obviously, I'm not including the countless children's books that I've read with The Kid over the years). When I did read, I would usually read short stories, blogs, articles on the internet, magazines, and newspapers. So, reading novels again? I see this new development as a very good sign that my memory isn't completely lost and that my intellect is somewhat intact. Though, I have to admit, my memory is often fuzzy these days. Damn peri-menopause. At least that's where I'm laying the blame today. So, it has been really fun to read books again and get drawn into a story, a plot, a set of characters.

Currently, I'm reading, "Night World No. 1: Secret Vampire; Daughters of Darkness; Spellbinder" by L.J. Smith because The Kid personally picked it out for me, and gave it to me as a gift. Let's just pause right here for a moment, to reflect on the cuteness of this. How cute is this? Very Cute. Okay, anyway, he picked this particular book for me because he knows that I enjoy reading about vampires and such. Though this book is for the tween set, I'm enjoying the read, and even more, I'm enjoying giving The Kid updates on the plot and characters, as he is delighted whenever I tell him how "scary" the book is getting.

Over this past year, The Kid has really journeyed into reading, and is continuing his love of story and storytelling. His mind is sharp, observant, and curious, and his heart is still sweet and thoughtful. He is in first grade now, and so many exciting things have occurred for him over this past year. He has a whole new set of friends, activities and interests. He is an amazing kid.

Since last year, we have moved again settling into a new rental home that is cute, clean, lovely, and has a dry basement! It is the roomiest place we have lived in to date (though within the context of our neighborhood, our home is very modest, but a good fit for us right now), and by far the nicest neighborhood we've ever lived in. There are lots of families with kids who live on our block, with good neighbors, good people. It is a unique place, and we are enjoying it. We hope we can keep renting this place for a while.

Over the past year, relationships in my life have changed, as well. Some have shifted, some have grown closer, others have fallen away. Overtime, I've become part of the school and neighborhood community in different ways, and this sense of community has been a welcome bonus of of living in this neighborhood.

Several months ago, I began working part-time outside the home, and Aqua Man has settled into his new career. In so many ways, it feels like we have completely changed our lives; as individuals, as a family, and as a couple. Yet, strangely, in other ways, it seems like we are still just "us." Moving, starting over, and beginning anew, while exciting, are not always easy things to do, and, the process can definitely be tough at times. We are grateful to our family and friends who have helped us in different ways during our relocation and transition over the past (almost) two years.

Though this past year sometimes offered up it's own set of challenges, disappointments, and hard-won change across several areas of my life, I continue to feel grateful, and I realize just how much I have to be thankful for in my life.
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Here's to more days of warm weather, fresh starts, and more reading.

Imagination

2009-01-31T08:50:00.008-05:00

"Imagination allows you to realize the limitless possibilities before you and to bring to life things that don't even exist. It's one of the more important things that make us human."

-George Lucas

Imperfections, Acceptance

2009-01-26T13:59:00.011-05:00

"These days, my practice is teaching me to embrace imperfection: to have compassion for all the ways things haven't turned out as I planned, in my body and in my life-for the ways things keep falling apart, and failing, and breaking down. It's less about fixing things, and more about learning to be present for exactly what is."
-Anne Cushman

"I was caught in the conundrum of believing that I needed to be different, that the way I was right now was not all right...eventually I came to understand that it was this very non-acceptance that was keeping me stuck in my patterns."
-Judith Lasater

Inauguration Day 2009: Barack Obama (Soon) Becomes the 44th President of the United States of America

2009-01-20T10:20:00.018-05:00

In celebration of this historical day, the inauguration of Barack Obama, the soon to be 44th president of the United States of America, and the first African-American President of the United States of America, below is a quote, an excerpt from Barack Obama's acceptance speech, given in Chicago, November 4, 2008:

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America."

-Barack Obama, text excerpt of Barack Obama's acceptance speech
November 4, 2008
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/04/obama.transcript/

Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-01-19T21:14:00.022-05:00

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Defeat and Courage

2009-01-16T11:35:00.010-05:00

"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

-Maya Angelou

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

-Maya Angelou

On Art and Artistic Expression

2009-01-14T13:16:00.002-05:00

"I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration."

-Frida Kahlo

Purpose and Dreams

2009-01-13T23:06:00.017-05:00

"Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose — a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye."

-Mary Shelley

"My dreams were all my own; I accounted for them to nobody; they were my refuge when annoyed - my dearest pleasure when free."

-Mary Shelley

Considering Yourself

2009-01-10T11:22:00.011-05:00

"One by one, consider all your ideas about yourself and then discard them. Sense your subjective experience of simply being. Allow your choices to arise from the depths of your true nature, not your ideas about yourself."

www.thingstobehappyabout.com

Cultivating Kindness

2009-01-10T10:17:00.013-05:00

"With a loving heart as the background, all that you attempt and all that you encounter will open and flow more easily. Loving kindness can be cultivated."

www.thingstobehappyabout.com

Possibilities and Hope

2009-01-10T10:09:00.029-05:00

"We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

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“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Other's Expectations

2009-01-08T18:32:00.005-05:00

"Inner dialogue that commiserates about the manipulative expectations of others ensures that this kind of conduct continues to flow into your life. If your thoughts are on what others expect of you-even though you despise their expectations-you'll continue to act on and attract more of what they want and expect for you. Removing the obstacle means that you decide to shift your inner speech to what you intend to create and attract into your life. You must do this with unswerving intent, and a commitment to not giving mental energy to what others feel about how you live your life. This can be a tough assignment at first, but you'll welcome the shift when you do it."

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The Power of Intention"

Living Connected To "Source"

2009-01-07T09:11:00.018-05:00

"A person who lives in a state of unity with the Source of all life doesn't look any different from ordinary folks. These people don't wear a halo or dress in special garments that announce their godlike qualities. But when you notice that they go through life as the lucky ones who seem to get all the breaks, and when you begin to talk to them, you realize how distinctive they are compared to people living at ordinary levels of awareness. Spend a few moments in conversation with these people who are connected to the power of intention and you see how unique they are. These people, whom I call connectors to signify their harmonious connection with the field of intention, are individuals who have made themselves available for success. It's impossible to get them to be pessimistic about achieving what they desire in their lives. Rather than using language that indicates that their desires may not materialize, they speak from an inner conviction that communicates their profound and simple knowing that the universal Source supplies everything."

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The Power of Intention"

On Problem Solving and Miracles

2009-01-06T10:17:00.028-05:00

Yesterday turned out to be a very surprising and amazing day. It was filled with a series of unexpected events that took me right off my "plan" for the day, in the best possible of ways (don't you love when that happens?). In this process, I didn't put up a quote of the day, as I had promised to do each day this month. So, here are two quotes to make up for missing yesterday. Enjoy!

“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” -Albert Einstein

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

Life As An Unfolding

2009-01-04T22:56:00.010-05:00

"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moving Past Limits

2009-01-03T09:23:00.012-05:00

"A Tibetan method of meditation is called the method of exaggeration. Whatever you are feeling, exaggerate it. Exaggerate it because you have lived within a limit, a boundary that has become a routine for you and unless you go beyond it, you will never be aware of what that limit is. It is part of your habitual mind. Once you have learned to go beyond this limit, you will be in a totally different world. You will start knowing how to get out of it and get beyond it."

www.thingstobehappyabout.com

Never Too Late...

2009-01-02T10:14:00.012-05:00

"It's never too late, you're never too old, you're never too sick, to start again ..."

Bishnu Ghosh, (Bikram Choudhury's teacher)

Small Steps To A New Way Of Being...

2009-01-01T11:32:00.018-05:00

"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work."

Thich Nhat Hanh

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In celebration of the New Year, I'll be posting quotes throughout the month. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

A Quote to Guide The New Year

2008-12-31T12:48:00.019-05:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

A Return To Love - Marianne Williamson

This year, I can feel that I will continue to grow, and stretch, beyond my previously held limitations, and, sometimes, the prospect of this feels a bit overwhelming. However, this quote always brings me comfort, and perspective, when reflecting on this on-going process. I'm instantly reminded that I am not alone and that we are all meant to be the best possible version of ourselves. It also reminds me that, if we get out of our own way, amazing growth is possible. I hope these words bring you inspiration, comfort and hope for your growth in the New Year, too. Happy New Year!

Not Even Close To Being The Proper Scale

2008-12-30T10:30:00.023-05:00

So, the morning after Christmas, The Kid climbed into bed with Aqua Man and I, and, after about 2 seconds of laying still, he began to jump on the bed, announcing that he was READY TO GET UP NOW!!!! He then quickly moved from jumping on the bed to performing the likes of a self-authored comedy act which included singing, telling jokes, kinda-tap-dancing, and acrobats. When we could finally catch our breathe after laughing hysterically, I asked The Kid, "So, on a scale of 1-10, how much energy would you say that you have this morning?" The Kid instantly yelled out, "150,000!!!!!"

Although this moment came the day after, without a doubt, this was one of our best Christmas memories, ever.

Wishing you, and your families, joy, peace, and laughter throughout the holiday season, well into the New Year.

Count Down To Christmas Day

2008-12-22T10:47:00.009-05:00

Every morning this month, The Kid gets out of bed, asks what the date is, then heads to his chocolate Christmas countdown calendar to open a tiny paper window which has the date printed on it, and, behind the window, a piece of chocolate in a range of holiday designs. This morning, after asking about today's date, I took The Kid into the kitchen to show him our terribly boring, non-chocolate calendar. As I pointed to today's date, December 22nd, I asked The Kid, "What number is this?" He excitedly yelled out, "Twenty-TOOTH!" Sweet!

The First SNOW DAY!!!!!

2008-12-19T11:42:00.033-05:00

And this clip mildly expresses the excitement The Kid feels about this "SUPER DUPER COOL AWESOME" development! He now has school off until well after the New Year. WOO-HOO!

Schooling The Kid on Christmas Past

2008-12-18T21:00:00.055-05:00

This is the song we listened to today while making Christmas cards for a few people on The Kid's list. He was diggin' it. (Sorry about the ad that pops up before the video...it was there already and I can't remove.)

And, for those of you who take your Old School Christmas Lyrics serious, here's the lyrics to "Your A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" and a bit more about the song. Groovy.

Um, Exactly Why Does She Need The Teeth?

2008-12-11T09:36:00.023-05:00

Even The Tooth Fairy's job is under question these days, well, at least according to The Kid. He has lost his two bottom teeth within the past 24 hours--one the other evening, and another just yesterday afternoon.

This morning he woke up to discover that The Tooth Fairy had left another envelope under his pillow. It was identical to the first envelope she had left just the other night; it had a red heart on the front of it and inside were two dollars. After discovering this, The Kid walked into the family room, sat in his favorite chair and took a moment to contemplate his good fortune. That thought quickly shifted into contemplating the logistics of The Tooth Fairy's job.

He waved his money back and forth, rocking in the chair, and cautiously asked, "What does The Tooth Fairy eat?" Then he quickly added, "Why does The Tooth Fairy NEED to take the teeth? What does she DO with the teeth?? WHY IS THIS HER JOB?!?!"

This Just In

2008-12-09T09:19:00.039-05:00

"OMG that walk (in a hurry, over ice, slush, water, and deep puddles) was like being on a Japanese game show."

This is the surprising text I just received from Aqua Man describing his walk to the train station this morning in what started out as light rain, but apparently turned into an unexpected downpour. Poor guy. And now, I need to get some paper towel to wipe up the coffee I just spit out from laughing so hard.

Monday Morning

2008-12-08T08:11:00.004-05:00

It is quiet,
And still,
The sun not fully risen.
Snow softly blankets our little world.
So quickly you have arrived,
Monday Morning

On Fear

2008-12-07T09:06:00.050-05:00

Lately, I've been slowly moving in a new direction. As part of this movement, I have been required to face several negative and long held views about myself which serve to create and sustain a good deal of fear in my life. I don't like seeing these fears or, often, even admitting them to myself. In the past, that would mean I wouldn't even mention them to my closest friends because I would be too afraid to show them the most vulnerable parts of myself.

But, yesterday, as part of my continued commitment to moving forward, I was texting with Kicking-Ass-And-Taking-Names-Grrrl, one of my best friends from college, and revealed one of these fears. Her response was wise, simple, surprising, to the point, and timely. Overall, a much needed kick in my ass and a new way to re-frame my mind frame. She said, "Don't hold yourself down. Let others try to block you, but you can't go anywhere if you are blocking yourself." If you are struggling with fear in your own life, I hope her words bring you some needed comfort and clarity, as well.

Here's to kicking fear's ass--or, even better, not engaging with fear at all--and moving forward in life.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2008-12-05T15:04:00.146-05:00

Damn, The Rolling Stones are so rock and roll wise.

You see, if I had some extra coin, I know what I would be doing this weekend. I would hop on that train into the city, grab a cab, and take The Kid and Aqua Man to see this family matinee performance by HUBBARD STREET DANCE COMPANY! One of my favorite dance companies of all time. I can almost feel that playbill in my hand, the excitement as the lights first dim, and the dancers take the stage.

However, within the last few weeks we have paid out to have our furnace fixed, our plumbing fixed, and just this morning, a new car battery replaced (apparently, our former battery has not adjusted well to our new cold weather location, and will not be doing so anytime soon). I am so grateful that we could afford to pay for all of this. But, holiday gifts still need to be purchased, and oh, you know, groceries. So, for now, I am going to have to take a pass on attending this performance. BUT, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO SEE IT!! Yes, yes, I will live vicariously through YOU. So, if you attend, shoot me an email and let me know how it was; I would love to hear about it!

Winter, You Are Very Prompt

2008-12-03T14:07:00.009-05:00

Here is the view of our street, after the first snow of the season, which fell on December 1st, first thing in the morning!

Voting with The Kid: Part Two

2008-11-04T12:34:00.020-05:00

Before we left to vote, The Kid and I watched the news while Barack Obama cast his vote in Hyde Park, IL. It was exciting for The Kid to watch and to know that this presidential candidate was in "his city."

After the coverage, we headed out to our polling place. It was 9ish a.m. and I was able to walk right in, no lines--which makes sense at that time--and they had my voter registration information. I didn't use a voting machine, but rather voted with a paper ballot as they were still having voter machine issues. The Kid was very good throughout, and excited to receive an "I Voted Today" sticker. It went smoothly and quickly.

As we walked back out to the parking lot, I was talking to The Kid about how important it is to vote, what it means, etc. The Kid interrupted me and asked, "So, mommy, when do we vote?" A bit surprised I said, "Honey, we just did!" He stopped walking, scratched his head and replied, "That was it?! When is Obama coming? I thought he was going to be here, too!"

Voting with The Kid

2008-11-04T07:50:00.016-05:00

Okay, I just put up my last post, and within seconds of waking up The Kid jumped out of bed, ran around the corner, jumped out into the family room, scared the pissed out of me, and yelled out at the top of his lungs: "Don't forget about OBAMA!!! We have to vote today!!! Let's go. NOW!"

Soooo, we've already come up with a voting plan to deal with long lines, if necessary, which I don't think we'll need by the time we hit the booths. But, The Kid insists, so we are going to bring a backpack with coloring books, crayons, and stickers, and a snack and a drink. JUST IN CASE.
------------------------

Update from Aqua Man: 5 of the 6 Voting Machines are not working properly. They are finally using paper ballots to deal with this. By the time he voted, 5 booths opened up and were using paper ballots and 1 booth was electronic. So they were able to get things moving. However, because of the initial long wait due to Voter Machine failures and the number of people in line, many people had to still get out of line, without voting, and head off to catch their train in order to be on work on time.

Just One Thing To Say:

2008-11-04T07:33:00.011-05:00

VOTE!
VOTE!
VOTE!

Vote whether the lines are long; Vote whether you think your candidate can win, or not; Vote whether you are undecided; Vote whether the weather is good, or not.

Exercise your voice and your views, within this context, and Vote!
--------------------------------------------
Right now Aqua Man is at our local polling station. They opened at 6:00am, he arrived at 5:50am. There were already about 100 people standing in line. There are 6 voting booths, plenty of workers, BUT only 1 voting booth that is working. Ridiculous. Let's hope that this particular poll gets things together. People are needing to vote before they head to work, need to catch a train into the city, etc.

I will be voting later, when Aqua Man comes home. But now, because his polling line is moving so slow, I will have to take The Kid with me to vote. This will definitely be a first for me: voting with my child. I am getting a plan together, as I write, to deal with a child and waiting in long lines. I'll let you know later how it went...

Catching Up

2008-11-02T14:01:00.076-05:00

It's been awhile since I've taken some time for myself. Today is that day. I am posting to my blogs, listening to some music, watching a few You Tube videos, including this one from Bright Eyes and, catching up on my reading. YES, I REALLY KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

Anyway, here are a few more thoughts for today. First and foremost just wanted to encourage everyone to get out and vote on Tuesday, if you haven't already voted early. Vote whether it is nice out, or whether it is raining and cold. Vote whether you think your candidate can win, or not. Vote, vote, vote!

Second, just a thought to add to the many eloquent reflections on the passing of Studs Terkel. I thank him for introducing me to work that celebrated and allowed the voices of those, perhaps, otherwise unheard. One of my favorite stories, introduced to me by one of my favorite professors in a performance class in college, comes from his book, Studs Terkel's "Coming of Age: The Story Of Our Century By Those Who've Lived It."

Third, on a personal note, I am happy to say that I have graduated from physical therapy and have mostly gained normal mobility again! Yes, I still have to do exercises, and yes, sometimes my knee still hurts, but, I am mobile again. Just this morning I was finally able to walk the 1 1/2 miles into town and back. I have been visualizing this in my morning meditations for the past 11 weeks. I was so grateful to finally be able to do this.

Too Much Before 10:00 a.m.?

2008-11-02T10:59:00.054-05:00

I still haven't finished my first, full cup of coffee, yet I've some how been able to pull off dancing, singing and staging "Kung Fu combat" with The Kid in our small family room. The inspiration? The song "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting" and the You Tube video of Shaolin Monk's performing demonstrations of Kung Fu. Naturally. You can see it all here.

Yes, I will accept that "Mother of the Year Award" now. Thanks.

Just Walking

2008-10-09T22:44:00.037-04:00

Every Morning for the past two weeks, as part of my "I've got to do something to help my healing" campaign, I would spend about 10 minutes upon waking, lying in bed, envisioning myself walking around our new neighborhood. I would see myself pain free, walking with a normal stride, just enjoying being able to be pain free again.

I went beyond just seeing myself walk in my mind's eye, though. I would see a detailed image of myself--putting my coat on, opening the front door, opening the gate, stepping onto the sidewalk, easily crossing the street, noticing the trees, the leaves, the beautiful weather. I could easily move my knee in all directions and lightly walk up and down the streets. Eventually, I would see myself walking all the way into town and back, absolutely pain free. Totally healed.

Just as important, I would also spend time imagining, in depth, how I felt during each detail of this envisioned walk. Happy, carefree, smiling, grateful, light, and unburdened. Free of pain and freedom in being healed. I didn't dare attempt this vision until I felt I had really internalized both the physical and emotional aspects of it.

Well, today turned out to be my day! Not only did I walk three blocks to The Kid's school, but instead of coming home the same route, I turned, crossed the street and took a long walk around the neighborhood!!! It truly felt like I was making my vision come true. It was just a great couple of simple moments. The sun was shining and it was beautiful weather for October. I'm not sure how far I walked and that alone is huge because it means that I wasn't counting the blocks wondering if I would be able to make it home. No! Instead, I was just walking.

Just walking. This is a sentiment I do not take for granted, anymore.

This Cat Can Really Chill

2008-10-07T13:57:00.031-04:00

I love my cat (whom I will refer to as "Kitty" as to protect his anonymity on this blog:) and since I've been spending a lot of time at home these past seven weeks, I appreciate him even more. He's been great company and watching him has been very entertaining. I've noticed while observing his behaviors these past weeks that this cat can really chill! Check him out here, diligently "working" on building his winter fluff. It's a difficult regimen of piling on the calories, non-activity (as much as possible), and lots and lots of napping. Rough, really rough.

This Was Not Annoying

2008-10-07T13:25:00.068-04:00

The Kid's vocabulary and fascination with language are growing rapidly these days. During just these first few weeks of Kindergarten he has become increasingly excited with letters, new words and the meaning of words. He has always been a language kid; he talked at a very early age, he was also fascinated by books and reading at an early age, and now, he's curious and motivated to try and read and write on his own. Still, despite these realities it still kinda throws me for a loop when he throws out an understanding of language that sounds like it should be coming from an older child. Case in point, we were sitting at the table eating lunch together before school today, talking about-meta-ing, if you will-the word "annoying." What does it mean? Why would one use that word? Who would use it? After one attempt to define it for him, The Kid interrupts me and excitedly says, "I'll tell you something that's annoying. If you were a dog and you had a flea on your back, and you couldn't reach it! That's annoying. What? Why are you laughing? I saw it on "Martha Speaks" yesterday. It really was annoying!"

Greetings From The Bahamas

2008-10-06T17:15:00.108-04:00

Today was my eighth physical therapy session, and I received a great report from my physical therapist. He was busy saying things like "good job" and "way to go" and "that's it" throughout our entire session today. I even got a "that's huge!" while working on the leg press machine when he realized that, from last week until today, I had increased my leg strength and he could switch me to a higher band of resistance. I also doubled the number of reps I was able to complete. It was a much needed positive session, especially after the really tough backslide I had two weeks ago. In fact, my physical therapist thinks that I'll need just a couple of more sessions and our work together will be done.

Over the last two weeks, as I've had ups and downs with my healing process, I've learned that reconnecting with proper core and hip alignment is essential for proper knee alignment. And today, particularly, I learned one humbling lesson: my "core" muscles, or tummy muscles, well, they've seemed to have left the building, so to speak. I was wiggling and wobbling and had very, very little "core" to speak of while trying to complete a particular cross training exercise. So, yes, they have definitely left the building in the past months. I'm guessing that they've been on vacation? Probably in the Bahamas, if they know how to really take a break.

Before We Get To Tonight, We've Got To Get Through This

2008-10-03T16:27:00.061-04:00

As I wrote yesterday, The Kid is psyched for the new Clone Wars weekly show which premiers tonight. However, before he can even think about this exciting event, he has been looking forward to watching his very favorite show "Fetch!" And, today is a most exciting event. A special, extended Fetch mini-marathon, if you will.

When I say "looking forward to" I mean that The Kid has been very persistent in tracking exactly when this show will play. He's been asking "When will it come on? Is today the day? No? Hmmm. How about tomorrow? No? Okay, well maybe you should write it on the calendar so you don't forget (I did!). Then, maybe we should look at the calendar again just to make sure we haven't mixed the days up and somehow missed the show." He's been asking about it while he's eating, getting ready for school, taking a shower, going to bed, and pretty much every other moment.

Now, in all fairness, I can be quite the TV junky myself. I have been known to write the premiers of beloved TV shows in my personal planner. I've been known to lock myself in our bedroom at night to take a break from life by watching reruns of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer", uninterrupted, even though I've seen them all at least 5 times (Hey, it chills me out! I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't like video games. It's my form of escapism, what can I say.). So, I get where The Kid is coming from. Looking forward to a TV show can feel like a major event is going to happen. I get it, I really do. I just don't dog people incessantly about my favorite shows for days and sometimes weeks on end. I guess that's just one of the differences between being 38 years old and being 5 1/2 years old. When you're my age, obsessive-compulsive tendencies are no longer seen as "cute."

So, finally Fetch is on (!), and just to add a bit more excitement for him, I picked him up from school and, as a surprise, I brought him cookies baked by Aqua Man last night (They were very good. Thanks Aqua Man!). That's a pretty good start to his big Friday night, if I do say so myself.

However, after the cookies were consumed, I realized, perhaps too late, that I may be slightly out of my mind to mix double chocolate fudge cookies with extended cartoon watching. But, what can I say, that's how I do it.

Weighing Heavy On His Mind

2008-10-02T09:32:00.081-04:00

This morning at breakfast, The Kid, shook his head in disbelief, let out a huge sigh and, unprompted, declared the following: "I can't believe the Clone Troopers were brainwashed by the signal that the Sith Lord turned on." It was only 6:50 in the morning.

Also, in a separate but related note, our whole household is geared up (it is unavoidable as The Kid is out of his jar excited for this show) for the premier of Cartoon Network's weekly "The Clone Wars" series.

Of course, I can't forget to mention Halloween. Only 30 days until Halloween! On this most important day (my personal favorite holiday), The Kid will leave the house dressed as either a Storm Trooper (he already has the costume-bought for him by my BFF-and often dresses up, fighting imaginary battles) or as a Clone Trooper. So, will The Kid be a good Storm Trooper or a bad Clone Trooper? Will he be both? With 30 days left until Halloween it is much too early for The Kid to decide.

May the Force be with Aqua Man and I, as the days unfold.

Backslide

2008-10-01T14:13:00.027-04:00

Since my last post, the days and nights, at times, have been filled with intense physical pain, and an ever present sense of frustration that I do my best to just acknowledge rather than to latch onto and feed. I kind of say, 'Hello frustration. Yes, I know you're there' and then try to just move on from it. Believe me, when in intense pain, not attaching to frustration is much easier said than done. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I had a total backslide. One moment I was off my crutches, slowing getting about, cutting back on my medicine, feeling sassy and, mostly, pain free. And the next moment, I quickly slid back into excruciating pain that lasted for days. Pain that I hadn't felt since the original injury. Up all night, can't go to sleep, crying, can't get comfortable, or get a break from, pain.

So what happened? A combination of doing too much partly because I had too (Aqua Man went out of town for the whole weekend for his job and I had no back up to help and life goes on with a child) and doing too much because I thought I "should" be doing more than I was (I thought I would be the "good" patient who stunned doctors with my ability to heal, well, not so much), and just the natural, lengthy process of healing a knee sprain. At my age (This statement? This seems to be something that, unsolicited, people like to remind me of these days. Great. Super. Kick me while I'm down, why don't ya!).

From this setback I have started to learn my limits, and more importantly I've gotten in touch with the exact type of movements that aggravate my knee and put me back into the place of the original injury. I'm learning to back off when I go too far. I'm learning not to go too far at all. All of it progress. Yes.

But I can't help but feel a bit disheartened today. Just six weeks ago, on Monday I was interviewing for a children's yoga instructor position, and then the next day I was on my butt having slipped and fell in that damn coffee house rendering me totally incapable of teaching. And tomorrow was supposed to be the first day of the start of my Adult Yoga Certification training program something I've been wanting to do for years now and took a tremendous amount of courage and hard work for me to work my way up to being ready to do. Obviously, I am not in a place to participate in this, and if being honest, I am a bit crushed on the eve of the start of that training program.

My best friend, an atheist and great advice giver, keeps reminding me that everything, in fact, really does happen for a reason. Being the cynic that I am, I'm not entirely sure of this. But I do believe this: Either, everything happens for a reason, or, rather, I like to find a reason in everything. I vacillate between the two sense making philosophies.

And the sense making is what I am struggling most with right now. I thought I would find something to replace my previous path by now. I thought I would have already discovered "the reason" I fell and injured my knee. I thought the "what's next" would have presented itself by now; the reason I am currently unable to teach and train in yoga. I so wanted to be the "success story"-to take an injury and turn it into something positive, something else-a new business, a new direction, a great epiphany that set me on a new, positive path. Instead, these days, I'm feeling a bit like an aging, untold story-and a boring one at that.

I know that I am back on track and slowly healing, and making progress. But it is taking all that I have right now, in terms of my healing process, to hold onto the small successes and to accept them as enough, rather than dismissing them as not enough, yet.

History Lesson

2008-09-17T14:28:00.022-04:00

I've been hearing it, again and again and again. All day long, since 8:00am this morning, and it's now 2:00pm. And every time, I hear it, I still jump. Grrr. So what the hell am I talking about? Let me answer that question, with another question.

Question: Why, starting as early as 8:00am (grrrr) this morning, have there been loud, scary noises right outside of our windows, surrounding the three local schools we live near, that sound like cannons going off, and guns unloading in the suburbs?

Answer: "Historical War Reenactments." Yes, that's right, historical war reenactments. Going on live, and outside, located on the Middle School field just around the corner from us. And, so far, they've been going strong all day long (grrrr).

Um, I don't want to knock experiential learning, but, uh, hmm, I wonder: might there be a better way to teach history to children rather than blowing off faux cannons and unloading blank firearms? I don't know. Just saying.

Up and Running

2008-09-15T20:02:00.061-04:00

First, some personal good news to share. All of Aqua Man's family are safe, healthy, and doing okay in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike. It was a terrifying experience for many of them, and so scary from this end not knowing if they were making it through intact. Most of them still have lots to deal with, some more than others, in terms of the aftermath, but all are safe, and we are so thankful for this. For others who did not fair as well in the wake of Hurricane Ike, still our hearts are with them.

Second, I am back up and running, er, walking to be more exact. I'm on day three of barely using my crutches and for the most part doing so entirely pain free. I can still feel my knee talk back to me if I move it just so, but I have come so far in my healing. Just four weeks ago I was in so much pain I was only mentally projecting myself into this place, trying to remember what it used to feel like before the pain, trying to remember what it was like to walk without wincing. At times the pain would spike so strong that I wasn't sure I would be able to get to the other side of it, or if there was another side to get to at all. Now I have arrived at this point, and for this I am so, so thankful.

And, lastly, on a slightly lighter note, I have to say that I have never been so happy to arrive at Monday morning. Or for a weekend to end. It truly felt like one thing after the other (some trivial), after the other (some not); worrying about Aqua Man's family, staying up until the wee hours of the morning watching hurricane coverage and, watching tornado and flood warnings in our area, our basement filling with water in response to all of the rain, precious pictures sitting in stagnant water with all the yet to be unpacked boxes joining them, our roof dripping in our den as the rain kept coming, and coming, The Kid waking up in the middle of the night crying, not feeling well. By early Saturday morning, a trip to the doctor revealed that The Kid had developed a nasty ear infection, and all the while we were preparing for our small house warming party that seemed to need still so much to be done to host. More rain, more rain, flood advisories, trips to the pharmacy and finally.....we threw in the towel, and canceled our party. And you know what? In the end, it felt damn good. There, I said it. Instead, we just stayed home, all three of us, the rain and The Kid's ear infection, and the state of our ridiculous basement (given the context), influencing us to stay put together. And it turned out to be a welcome relief.

Like my BFF from H.S. puts it, sometimes when things are just not going right with trying to get something done it seems like life is talking back to you, telling you the timing is off. The Universe is telling you, 'Hey, this just isn't gonna happen!' Things are not lining up and they are not going to, no matter how hard you try to make it so; it's not the right time, clue in!' This is what it felt like this past weekend, regarding the trivial things.

Response to Universe regarding this past weekend: We heard you loud and clear.

Or as The Kid puts it:
Roger, roger.
Over. And out.

What Can I Do?

2008-09-12T15:10:00.024-04:00

I was going to put up a light hearted post today, but as time passes, I feel compelled to do something-albeit, a very small something-regarding Hurricane Ike.

My heart goes out to those who live in the immediate area of Galveston, TX and all other surrounding areas that will be impacted directly, and as a residual of this serious hurricane. I send the highest of positive thoughts and intentions across the miles for safety, help, assistance, strength and healing for all those who need it. Including Aqua Man's family, some who live in Galveston, TX and the rest in Houston.

Positive thoughts can't hurt, but I also know that there will be a lot of after math from this hurricane. To this end, I've just made a small donation to The American Red Cross through there on-line web site. I am thankful that I was able to do this today. I ask that, if you can, please donate today. A $10.00 minimum donation is needed to do so on-line. www.redcross.org
I also know, and respect, that $10.00 can be too much to donate. I've been there myself and know that $10.00 can be just too much to give, or that you may not have $10.00 extra dollars to give.

But together-positive thoughts, monetary donations, donations of food, water, clothes, and donating blood-however you may be able to help, together, it will all add up. And it will make a positive impact for those who need it most.

Like Riding A Bike

2008-09-10T09:34:00.034-04:00

I had my second physical therapy appointment on Monday, and I go again today. I met with a new PT and this session was way more intense than my first session. I walked in and met my new PT, and he was all, "Hi, how are you! (including enthusiastic, strong, hand crushing hand-shake. Gulp.) Why don't you get started by riding the stationary bike? Go, on, jump up there and get started. I'll check back in a minute!"

And I was all like, "Um, yeah. He, he, he. You see, while I totally want to be cooperative and I'm all about healing, the thing is Mr. PT, there are two issues with this idea. 1) Jumping. Jumping concerns me. I can't really step, let alone jump. And 2) Riding a bike? A bike? The thing with the pedals that go round and round? Right. Um, not to point out the obvious, but, uh, doesn't that require one's knee to be able to bend? Okay, great, just checking.

So, I didn't jump up. I used my crutches and a step up stool and the help of a PT assistant, and low and behold, I rode that damn bike! Slow, and with no resistance, but I rode that damn bike! Then I went on to use a recumbent step machine, with resistance, and a stability ball, and weights on my knees, and lots of, I'll say "interesting," strength resistance exercises. And while I'm no stranger to using my body, or working out, I was t-i-r-e-d.

However, it's the first time that I've been able to consistently bend my knee! This was a huge relief; to learn that I can bend it without worrying about blowing my knee cap out (sorry, that was gross!). The movement itself helps to move the fluid out from around my knee cap which then gives me a greater range of motion. This has been so liberating to learn. The creeks, and snaps, and cracks I hear are just part of the healing process (sorry, that was probably gross again? I'm just really into movement and how our body works...).

My session lasted for 1 1/2 hours which took me right up into the time I had to pick up The Kid from school. It was supposed to be just 1 hour, but, Mr. PT is enthusiastic, as I mentioned. And it was pouring rain, again, which makes the logistics of getting where I need to be, on time, and crutching without falling, that much more of a challenge.

So, on my drive home I called Aqua Man and did what I needed to do. I had myself a good cry. I cried for most of the ride. Then one block away from The Kids school I pulled myself together, found the closest parking spot I could, and crutched out to pick up The Kid carefully avoiding puddles. I was so sore from the long session, and so afraid that I wouldn't even be able to get out of the car again to get The Kid. But I did. And I was so afraid that I wouldn't be functional for him. But I was. Thankfully, later that night, I was feeling great with an amazing range of motion.

And yesterday, for the first time in weeks, I took The Kid outside and we went for a very short walk up the street so that he could pick up leaves. And, for that short time, I walked without my crutches (the goal is to "ween me" from these)! Woo-hoo.

Now, let's see what Mr. PT has in store for me today. Yea! Gulp.

Trying To Make This The Picture In My Mind

2008-09-07T02:33:00.026-04:00

It's not exactly working, yet, but I'm trying to let my mind roll and refresh like these waves.

(St. Petersburg Beach, Florida, June 2, 2008)

And...breath...The past first few weeks of The Kid's kindergarten, in combination with the logistics of getting around on crutches, while dealing with knee pain, and a new home that we've moved into that I haven't yet been able to unpack, shop, or take care of, have been, at times, really, really exasperating. Like, I-want-to-scream-at-the-top-of-my-lungs exasperating. And breath...

On the positive though, my first physical therapy appointment went well in that I was able to get their (despite the pouring rain which made crutching around very dangerous, and despite the fact that our sliding glass door came right off the hinge and fell out right as I was on my way out the door, allowing rain to blow into our carpeted den while I watched helplessly unable to move the door because of my knee, and despite the fact that The Kid was struggling with adjusting to all the new changes lately) and, I successfully made it through! Woo-hoo. I was sore later that night, which I had totally expected, but I also had more mobility as a result of the session. A welcome relief and sign of hope for my rehab in general.

Now, if I could just crutch my way back to this beach, and hang out there for the day tomorrow. I'd sit with my toes pushed deep into the warm, white sand, while listening to the waves crash onto the shore and the birds crying out overhead, feeling the warm sun healing my body.

Yes, I'm definitely going there tomorrow.

Well, not literally, since I'm over a thousand miles away now, but mentally, for sure. I'm there.

Hump Day Giveaway Notice

2008-09-03T10:33:00.012-04:00

Aqua Man and I stayed up very late into the night talking about some serious things we both just haven't had time to talk about lately. As a result, I woke up this morning a little crabby, and kinda low on energy. It's also rainy where I am, so its clear that my day could head into a bummer mood...

So, I decided to grab my mood by the, well, you know, and head it in a better direction. And what better way than to hop on the Internet and search for a cool, handmade, beautiful Etsy item that an artist is giving away? And then to pass this awesome info. your way? None, I tell you, none. I'm feeling better already...

So, I searched Etsy and came across this beautiful necklace over at Cthings blogspot. I signed up for Cthings giveaway, and have my fingers crossed-love, love this piece. Good luck to you, too.

Good News on My Knee

2008-09-02T17:40:00.015-04:00

So, I went to see my Orthopedic doc this morning for a follow up on my MRI results, and the doc had good news for me! No visible tendon or ligament damage. Yea!!!!! I started celebrating in the office, clapping, Woot-ing, and such, but the doc interrupted me to tell me that I had a bit of a long road ahead.

So, I'm starting physical therapy this Thursday and will go three times a week, one hour each session, for the next four weeks. Little caveat-if in three weeks my knee does not improve, worst case scenario would be-and I quote-"a very painful knee surgery in which we shave off..."

When I heard these words I interrupted the doc and yelled out, "Stop! I don't want to hear anymore. That's not going to happen. I am going to be the best healer, ever! Physical therapy sounds great. Sign me up!"

Still Going.....

2008-09-02T17:37:00.004-04:00

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Free Running (in my mind)

2008-09-01T11:43:00.049-04:00

I learned about free running several years ago while mindlessly flipping through channels, watching TV. I stumbled onto a documentary (not sure which one anymore) about it and was instantly blown away (if you search You Tube you can find plenty of free running videos to check out). I hurried to find a blank video and was able to record most of the documentary. Shortly after, years ago, I invited some movement-loving-friends over to watch the video, and that's the last time that I've seen it. Since then, between all the moves we've made, I've lost track of it. Yet, for some reason this morning, I woke up with free running on my mind.

Maybe it's because my weekend has been spent watching Aqua Man unpack a good amount of boxes that I haven't been able to get to since I injured my knee. Boxes that hold lots of memories; pictures, videos, movies. Maybe this video is somewhere in there? I've watched box after box be moved as I sit, still icing and elevating my knee. Pretty frustrating at times. I was, however, actually able to go outside yesterday for a short stint while wearing a (giant)leg brace from the doc (Aqua Man decided to call me "Lieutenant Dan" because I was crutching around so much. Perhaps, also, because I was swearing and cursing just as much? The upshot? That left Aqua Man to be cast as "Forest Gump" in his own drama. Frankly, I'd rather be Lieutenant Dan on his worst day, than Gump on his best:). Anyway, I crutched around the yard, watered a patch of flowers, and even pulled a few weeds while sitting in a chair. It didn't last long but it was still an accomplishment that I took as a good sign. Especially since this was the first time I've been able to wear that leg brace and find relief from it rather than more pain.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with the Orthopedic doctor to get the results from my MRI. I've been playing a vision in my mind that he tells me everything looks good, that there is no damage other than a sprain, that healing is already happening, and that with time and, perhaps, physical therapy I will be fine. I'm assuming this is what will come of it. In part, because I'm trying to stay positive and only call in thoughts of healing. In part, honestly, because I just can't begin to prepare myself for another scenario; I'm too afraid. These past two weeks I've already had to put many, many things on hold because of my new reality. And it doesn't just affect me; it affects every one in this house. Occasionally, my mind will wander to my fears and I quickly imagine scenarios that scare the shit out of me. I will not write about them here because I don't want to fuel my fears. So instead, I choose to challenge my perspective.
--------------------

Free running and free runners view the urban and rural terrain as their landscape to interact with and co-create a fluid path. There is no "perfect" path; rather a sustained momentum in which one keeps on moving and interacting with the other objects in relation to its path. What might normally be viewed as an insurmountable obstacle, or object to go around, over, under, or to be avoided all together, free runners view these very things as a way to gather momentum, energy and inspiration for their flowing movements.

The first time I saw the documentary on free runners a seed was planted. I wanted to be like them--um, okay, don't get me wrong. I know that I will NEVER, EVER be capable of engaging in the simplest of free running activities! But, why, years later, did I wake up with free running on my mind? Perhaps, in the face of the unknown, my subconscious kicked this philosophy to the forefront of my mind? However it came to my attention, I'll take this as an opportunity to explore the philosophy. To free run in my mind.

I wonder what would happen if I mentally free run? What opportunities might arise? What exciting new path might I take because of the "obstacle" of my knee? Can I approach hurting my knee as a source of new possibilities rather than a block? What adventures are still unexplored for me? In general, how would my life be different if I consistently viewed "obstacles" in my life instead as sources of inspiration and possibilities? How would I move, act, feel, be?

How about you?

Saturday Morning Video

2008-08-30T10:32:00.033-04:00

My Wilco Party Continues...

Love this song; the music, the lyrics, his tone, and the landscape of the video.

Sipping the first cup of coffee I've had all week, listening to the wind which is blowing in hints of fall weather, working on the logistics of this blog, and listening to this song, over and over. Perfection.

Hope you enjoy, too.

"Jesus, etc."

A Positve Makeover

2008-08-29T21:13:00.005-04:00

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Go on, click it, you know you want to...

Best Music Ever To Help Get Me Through An MRI

2008-08-29T14:22:00.134-04:00

An Open Thank You Letter to Billy Bragg & Wilco:

Dear Billy Bragg and Wilco,

While I'm quite sure you will never stumble upon this tiny, blog of mine, I still feel compelled to write and to use this as a forum to say "thank you." Although you will most likely never, ever read the words that I write, I hope that after I hit the "Publish Post" button below, you will feel a rush of warm, heartfelt energy coming to you both, where ever you are.

I just wanted to thank you for helping me get through an MRI that I had to have the other evening (stupid, dumb accident in which I hurt my knee...if, by the off, off chance you are reading this, you can go here and here to get some context) to help the doctors figure out the next step-no pun intended-in my course of healing. I do, indeed, very, very much dislike MRI's. I had the unfortunate experience of having an MRI in 2001, and found out the hard way that I am, in fact, claustrophobic. And, well, let's just say that being claustrophobic does not help one become relaxed while in an MRI tube. Right.

So, when I learned that I had to have an MRI--even, an open MRI--for my knee prognosis, I seriously wondered if walking on crutches, having limited mobility, and pain in my knee for the rest of my life might not be that bad?

And that's where you both came in. While reading the "How to Prepare for Your MRI" sheet that I was given--and being seriously disappointed to learn that there would not be a body double provided for me who would volunteer their injured, stunt knee and go through the MRI for me--I was relieved to learn that I could bring a CD of my choice to help pass the time during the 40 minute procedure. That's long, right? That's what I thought,too.

Honestly, I have to fess up and say that (while actively applying denial and avoidance) I forgot all about being able to take a CD with me, and at the last minute I had Aqua Man run to the car and grab our CD holders. I hurriedly flipped through all the choices, "No, no, no. God, no!" Wondering, 'What music does one listen to while in an MRI, while actively trying to suppress a panic attack? Nothing too fast, or too depressing, or annoying, for sure.' And, then I saw it, "Billy Bragg & Wilco: Mermaid Avenue." Your CD. Perfect! Please don't let my last minute choice take away from the importance of your music. I truly, truly could not have made it through this procedure without it, and a lot of deep breathing and guided imagery techniques. All of which went very well with your tunes. Also, I have to say that I was amazed to learn that Jeff Tweedy, leader of Wilco, has been open about the fact that he suffers from panic attacks, and that this was the very CD I picked out to help me cope with not having a panic attack! Without this CD I truly may have left that room, never to have a proper diagnosis. So thank you to both of you for sharing your talent, your musical styles, and thank you to Woody Guthrie for writing such amazing songs.

Below you can find the songs that I listened to while laying "half way" in the MRI (BTW: Before going in, I was told that I would only be put in "half way." My definition of half my body is my waist; their definition of half my body" was just my chest. Quite a few precious inches of a difference!)...

"California" (Video has time delay-ok, you've been forewarned. Still, enjoy!)

"At My Window Sad and Lonely"

"Another Man's Done Gone Key"

"Ingrid Bergman"

"She Came Along To Me"

I had to ask the MRI tech to fast forward "Hoodoo Voodoo" and "Christ for President"-both great songs-because I was getting a leetle bit hyped up! She was a good sport about it all.

Over all, a brilliant CD for the occasion, one in which I hope to never have again. I do, however, look forward to when my knee is healed and I can take a long, proper drive, with all of the windows down, blasting this CD at top volume.

With Much Gratitude (and relief),
Yoga Grl

Calling It As He Sees It

2008-08-28T07:43:00.019-04:00

Over the years I've come up with a few enduring nicknames for The Kid and one of them is "bumps." He's always been a very physical child and although he is a movement oriented person with a sense of grace, he still collects a good deal of bumps and bruises, especially on his legs.

Last night I had to have an MRI as ordered by the Orthopedic doctor I'm now seeing about my knee. Aqua Man and The Kid drove me to my appointment, and when we arrived at the parking lot I said to The Kid, "Okay, bumps, we're here." I realized the irony in calling The Kid that nickname at the exact moment I was grappling with swinging my injured knee out the door with out smacking my leg or dropping my crutches on the ground.

So I said, "It's funny that I'm calling you bumps, when I'm the one on crutches."

The Kid giggled, and said "Yea, that's right Mommy!"

Adding, "You're the one with the STICKS!"

A Spectacular Wrench

2008-08-24T12:32:00.023-04:00

Last Tuesday night I was walking into a local coffee house to grab a quick drink before heading home to get some more work done. I walked in, took about three steps off of the runner, and violently slipped and fell on the wet floor, twisting and hitting my left knee on the ground. Luckily, I was able to grab the hand railing with my right arm to help break my fall-and if I hadn't, things would have been a lot worse-but my left leg splayed out in front of me, twisted and hit the ground. Hard. It was a a total freak accident, and, frankly, I couldn't have been more surprised had someone thrown a huge bucket of ice water on me when I walked in the front door. Truly a spectacular wrench.

To make things a bit more-hmmmm, how can I put this? SUCKY!-the coffee house staff had just mopped the floors and had not put out any visible "warning! floor is wet" signs near the runner, the top of the ramp, or the area where the floor was soaking wet immediately after walking in the front door! Apparently, while coffee was flowing that night, common sense had run out. GRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

It is now Sunday morning and after coming back from an Urgent Care Center visit yesterday, where I spent a good deal of time waiting to see docs, nurses and getting xrays, I have an initial diagnosis of a sprained knee. Mercifully, they gave me heavy duty Ibuprofen, a leg brace, an ace bandage and crutches. I have been diligently staying off my leg as I never want to feel the level of pain I felt during the past few nights immediately following the fall. So, I'm laying in The Kids bed-he has the firmest mattress around here-leg on a pillow to help cushion things, with two packs of frozen peas on my knee blogging and trying to be productive on-line while Aqua Man and The Kid run around having a "guys day out," as The Kid puts it.

The next step is to follow up and see an Orthopedic Doctor to have my tendions and ligaments checked out. But, wasn't able to make an appointment yesterday as the offices were closed. I'm really hoping that while Aqua Man is home tomorrow for The Kids first, official (as deemed by us-more on that in a later post) day of Kindergarten I can also get chauffeured to an orthopedic doc appointment (Funny thing about a sprained, left knee-it makes driving a stick shift really challenging, and quite painful after wards. GRRRRRRRRRRR.....).

Overall, I know things could have really gone worse, so while I'm thankful nothing was fractured, it does, well, suck. My mobility is limited right now, and I'm prone to pain even while doing almost nothing. My biggest challenge will be staying off my leg as much as possible while managing my day-to-day with The Kid.

One thing I've learned from all of this, though? While looking down at all the endless, frozen bags of peas I've been putting on my knee I've learned that...peas have a lot of protein! A whooping 5 grams in each serving. Who Knew?

Note to Chin:

2008-08-21T15:55:00.015-04:00

You are NOT 18 anymore!

Perhaps you didn't get the memo, but, ah, "we" have turned 38 years old as of last week. While the rest of the body appreciates your attempt at maintaining your youth, spreading acne all over yourself is NOT the way to go about it.

It looks bad on you, and the rest of us.

Plus, dear chin, it's time that you just accept the fact that we are a bit older now, and, frankly, you just need to begin to age gracefully. Let it go; you'll never be a teenager again! So stop breaking out like one!

With Love,
The rest of Yoga Grl's face/body

What's In A Number?

2008-08-18T18:43:00.019-04:00

Just a few days ago I celebrated my birthday and turned 38. 38! Wow. Birthdays are a big deal for me. They are the time of year when I take stock of my life, my past year, and set new goals for myself.

In general, I'm feeling really comfortable with this new age, myself, and where I am in my life. I also feel a growing sense of excitement and a strong energy from within as I head into this new year-like I've been quietly heading towards something great, and I'm on the verge of putting into action some of the dreams I've had, but have yet to manifest.

This new age, and the larger context of being closer to 40 than 20, has afforded me a fresher perspective on the reality that time passes quickly. Not a mid-life crisis perspective, but rather a gentle and keen awareness that life, does not, in fact, go on and on and on. I've been really coming to accept this over the past few years, and often include these thoughts into my meditation time. These days though, I realize that, although I feel like I'm about 27, I'm not! It's great that I feel young, and healthy and strong; these are the things that, in part, yoga helps cultivate and support. And the fact that I'm not, chronologically, 27 anymore, is truly okay with me. However, feeling 27 can sometimes fool me into thinking that 'I'm so young I have plenty of time to get to that later.' This perception of time, I know, is an illusion. So this year I'm all about changing my motto to: 'Later is now!'

Are We There Yet?

2008-08-16T14:23:00.030-04:00

The Kid, Aqua Man and I all survived our 1,000 mile + car trip/summer vacation adventure. We drove-yes, DROVE-from Illinois through Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana to finally arrive on beautiful Galveston Island in Galveston, Texas. We had a great time with Aqua Man's family and it was truly one of the best family vacations yet. After our lovely four days on official vaca, we climbed back into our car and drove home again. Without. a. problem. (Let it be known, that if it weren't for our newly purchased travel DVD player, that none of this would have been possible. Best money ever spent. Period.) So, for those of you keeping track, we spent a total of three days on the road, and four days at our destination. Yes, we are wacky like that.

Throughout it all The Kid was an amazing little traveler and I think I see many travel adventures in his future. He hardly ever even asked the dreaded "Are we there yet?" On the drive out, when we first started crossing state lines, he thought we were entering new countries and kept asking, "Mama, what country are we in now?" "How about now?" We did our best to explain that while it may SEEM at times that we were in another country (especially when using certain "bathrooms" along the way), that we were in fact still in the United States of America. Once he began to grasp this concept, he was very excited and wanted to see all of the official state lines and get regular updates on the distance to upcoming states, etc.

My favorite quote from The Kid happened on our drive home. We had just crossed into Tennessee and let him know the state line update. He quietly processed this new information, saying nothing for about 10 minutes or so. Then he suddenly yelled out, "Wait! WAIT. Have we left Mister Sippy yet?!"

I Heart My New Town!

2008-08-03T18:53:00.010-04:00

Three things I really love about my new town:

1)Just discovered a just opened-as in last night-art gallery/store that supports local visual and multi-genre artists. So great, and it's with in walking distance to our house.

2)Just discovered that there is a bead store/studio within walking distance with a very decent selection of beads, supplies, space to make jewelry, and jewelry making classes, as well. Yippee!

3)The fact that I can WALK to my yoga classes, then walk to get a Vegan, Organic bite to eat afterwards, and then walk back home.

If I could only describe how hard things were for the past few years, and then to come through, to the other side, if you will, and be living somewhere that we truly feel good about, and can see all of us thriving in. Its just mind-blowing. I am very, very grateful, and really able to enjoy the good times while they are here.
---------------

On a separate note: tomorrow I take The Kid to sign up for Kindergarten. I have to confess that I am feeling a bit nervous about it. With all of the changes going on lately I've really just taken one thing at a time, as they come, and haven't really thought about the specifics of this new transition. Things like, The Kid may-or may not-depending on the schedule he is given by school, be taking a bus to another program. A BUS! By himself. Yes, this I haven't thought about much so as not to induce small scale anxiety attack. I know he will be fine if he does take a bus, and we've raised him to be independent of us, and he'll be with other kids. But, its just, well, he's 5! And it's going to take some getting used to, if this is needed, that's all.

Also, on a larger scale, I have to confess that I don't look forward to spending time in educational institutions, unless they are college campuses, preferably graduate programs. It personally kinda freaks me out to be back standing in a grade school setting. I am naturally inclined to be suspicious and leery of them; their testing and grading and such. And Aqua Man has the same type of orientation to schools, as well. Although, we did already meet the principle and she seemed really cool. Overall, though, me thinks this new phase will be a journey for all of us.

So Not The Present

2008-08-01T09:11:00.014-04:00

Yesterday afternoon The Kid and I went back into our new town to walk around and explore. As we were walking by a decorating store-one that we had just passed by yesterday-we noticed that the front window display had been changed.

The entire window display was now one of Halloween accessories and decorations for the yard, house, etc. It had three white signs hanging in the front that read: "It's Coming, It's Coming, It's Coming." HALLOWEEN? HALLOWEEN! Had I hit my head and lost track of the time? Yesterday was July 31. Yes, it's coming, but its, ah, two months away. *sigh*

Seeing this, on some level, I felt a little bit sad. Sad because when I look around into the immediate external world the message is overwhelmingly telling me to NOT be in the present. I'm most often told to think about what's coming next, to force upon myself what's coming next, as a way to get through the now.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many, many moments, and, even long stretches of my life in which I did not want to be present. I just wanted to get through them or get them over with. There were even times when I wasn't sure I could get through things. And during these times, days passing, time accumulating behind me, felt like a blessing. A blessing to just have time pass and put distance between myself and hard times.

Since I've started practicing yoga, I'm learning to quiet my mind and body, to withdrawal my senses from over stimulation, and to go within. And when I practice, I find peace within, peace that was already there waiting to be discovered, tapped into. Through yoga, I become at peace to just be, now.

Also, I've felt less resistance to wanting to push away the present, and just as importantly, I'm cultivating self awareness to recognize when I am resisting. Not always, for sure, (those pesky life patterns) but, overall when I practice-when I don't resist practice-I'm learning to be more comfortable being present, even when things are really difficult.

Learned the Hard Way

2008-07-31T10:27:00.003-04:00

Two things I desperately wish I had on hand when we moved into the new digs:

1) Wasp Spray

2) A Plunger

(Not necessarily in that order, but I think I've said enough!)
---------

On another note, I'm glad to say that I've been able to wake up early enough the past three days just to have a bit of light restorative yoga in the early morning. It has felt really good to start the day with some stretching and breathing; very helpful for easing the aches and pains from all the manual labor lately!

Where In!

2008-07-27T22:37:00.003-04:00

Quick moving update: we are in the digs! The POD has been emptied as of yesterday, and today Aqua Man and I unpacked and set up as much as possible. We are tired and sore, but feeling good about the new pad and neighborhood.

While we were doing this, The Kid has been having the time of his life spending the weekend with his aunt, uncle, and cousins. BLESS MY sister and brother-in-law for taking The Kid!

It was so great to know that he was having an awesome time, and the only thing I can say is; holy shit! Did it make things so much easier to get done with having The Kid around during unloading and unpacking and setting up. Wow.

Now finishing up at the old digs and going for our first night at the new.....

I Need To Get With The Times

2008-07-24T18:08:00.007-04:00

The Kid will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. Between the end of preschool and now, The Kid has really grown and started to act a lot more mature. A good deal of this has to do with him spending so much time with his older cousins since we've moved here. It's been great to see him come into his own even more than before, but sometimes I am taken off guard by how independent he's becoming.

The other day the following exchange took place between The Kid and I in regard to me offering him some help with buttoning up a normally "tough" button:

Me: (After watching him struggle for a few moments, I casually ask)
Do you need some help with that?

The Kid: [A bit exasperated, yet with compassion at my "mistake"]
Mom-my! I need to PRACTICE. If I need your help, I'll ask!

Moving On Up

2008-07-23T22:17:00.011-04:00

Up until about, um, 2 hours ago I was feeling pretty calm about our move. That is, until I sat down and checked the "to-do list." And despite my very busy day today and lots of running around, the list is still very substantial. Many things need to get done by Saturday, which is when our POD arrives and we officially move in. And a few crucial things need to get done by Friday which is when I will go to the house and clean up before the big move.

Yes, we move three days from today. And, I'm staring to feel a little bit tense about it. Just a leetle bit. How could you tell? Well, my high pitched shrieking at Aqua Man tonight about all of the things that need. to. still. get. done, dammit! Yes, this was probably the first clue.

Yes, logically, I know it will all come together, but, but, but.....they-meaning the people who have been hired by the owners to prep the house for our arrival-aren't done, well, prepping the house for our arrival. And we are moving in on Saturday! Did I say that already? ('What are you doing?!' I want to yell out the few times I've driven by the house over the past three weeks. And I STILL see a work truck there, and still see paint cans and ladders inside the house. 'For f*&k sake, people! The house just needs simple cleaning and painting! You ONLY have to paint a few rooms in a very, very modest size house, clean up a bit, and repair six boards on a back deck. What are you people DOING!?!?')Did I mention that this prep/repair/clean up crew is getting paid overtime to take care of this house? Way to milk the system people. I have to hand it to you there. At any rate, something tells me descending on the house, and yelling this out to the work crew, would not be the best way to start out our new rental relationship. (Yup, I'm quick on the uptake like that.)

I know it will all get done, but, but, but.....they haven't even finished painting the house yet! And, and, they haven't finished repairing the back deck yet! And, what about the yard? Huh? Some damn kids (damn kids!!) toilet papered our soon to be house, and, the current fixer upper/yard crew haven't cleaned it up and it rained this morning and now there is wet, white, smeared toilet paper in the front yard hanging on a big tree, since last Saturday. Yet, I haven't wanted to say anything and step on any toes, seeing that they do officially have two more days until our lease begins to get it all done. BUT, if I drive by tomorrow and see wet, soggy toilet paper hanging in the tree still...

*Sigh*
*Grrrr*
*Insert your favorite expletive here*

Pay As You Go Garbage: Or, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

2008-07-22T11:51:00.007-04:00

I just found out that in our new neighborhood-to-be we have to pay $2.85 for each bag of garbage that we want the city to pick up on garbage day. Rather than billing you a flat rate as a utility bill, you pay each week, per bag. You purchase stickers ahead of time and put them on each bag. You also pay for your own paper lawn care bags and put the same stickers on them.

Recycling pick up, on the other hand, is FREE.

From what I found out yesterday, they appear to take a great deal of items for recycling, and they aren't fussy about the type of container you put out, or sorting items. I am on my way to buy recycling bins right now.

I am really interested to see how this system plays out in our everyday life. I think it will be a great opportunity for us to find ways to reduce, reuse and recycle and make more mindful choices.

New Digs Found

2008-07-20T15:18:00.008-04:00

Happy update: We found a really cute rental home in the neighborhood that we really like. The new neighborhood is only a 22 minute express train ride (during the week-about an hour on the weekends) into the city, and about 35 minutes by car. Woot!

I am very excited to be able to live and shop locally, and to be able to get to the city so easily. Aqua Man can walk to the train station for his daily commute and we can walk The Kid to his new school, as well.

In our day to day, we will be able to walk to several parks, the library, a movie theatre, and to the town center where there are many independent shops, stores, pubs and restaurants. Also, (hooray!) there is an independent bookstore and a community yoga center just blocks away from our new digs, and a Trader Joe's (joy!) less than a mile away. Pinch me. Someone pinch me.

Should We Stay Or Should We Go. Now?

2008-07-15T14:50:00.010-04:00

One of the big changes that has occurred over the past few months is that we have left our previous residence, moved out of state back to my hometown and have been staying with my family-my sister, her hubby, and their kids to be exact-while we search for a rental home. They have been unbelievably gracious, generous and just overall awesome hosts, not to mention a whole lot of fun to live with. They are known, among family and friends, for their constant generosity and love of having a good time. Living here has been nothing short of mind blowing to see how open and giving they really are to all who come across their paths. So to say that our transition has been "easy" because of how comfortable they have made us feel living in their home is a total understatement.

During this time, we have been looking and looking and looking for places to live. Nothing so far has been the right combination of factors that we are looking for: a neighborhood that we can see ourselves really enjoying living in; the right distance for Aqua Man's work; the right school for The Kid; the right area for me to offer my work; the right distance to the city; the right home for me to work out of; and of course, that pesky little detail of the right price. We have seen A LOT OF CRAP along the way. A lot.

Even though I'm back in my hometown-which I haven't lived in in over 11 years-we are concentrating on finding a place about 30 minutes from here, so it's a totally new area to cover. With the many factors that come with relocating to a new state, especially that The Kid is starting Kindergarten in the fall, we have been very fortunate to not be rushed by my family. Yet, this being said, we so Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Freeloaders!

So after lots of looking and researching and calling and searching we think we've found a rental home. We have a few final details to work out, and possibly by tomorrow it may all come together. And, if so, it could be as soon as next week that we could start moving in.

Even with all of the time that we have been living here-5 weeks now-my family is still saying, "Don't rush. There's no need to move unless its perfect!" Most people would be throwing us out by now!

Good people-you gotta love em-and feel really lucky when you can count them as friends, and family.

Speaking of Journey

2008-07-14T15:41:00.004-04:00

So, I check the calendar today and realize that it has been three months since I last put up a post. Three months! Okay, wow. I didn't realize that so much time had passed since I last wrote.

How to catch you up on things? I don't know that I can do this very well. There has been so much change, so much waiting, and shifting and moving that I don't know that I can fill you in properly. I'll just share that there have been changes in our address, changes in Aqua Man's career, changes in relationships and with our family. There almost isn't an area in our lives that hasn't been changed. Basically, so many things that have been in the works, most for a long, long time, have finally gone through. And, as a result, lots of changes have occurred.

And more change is still occurring. Thankfully it's almost all positive, at this point in time. And although almost every aspect of my life and my families life has changed, there is a feeling of calm and balance surrounding it. Don't get me wrong, it's not without its trials and challenges, but overall, not an unsettling experience. Again, perhaps because the ground work was laid well ahead of time, in some cases years before, and then finally--boom--the right time, place, and opportunity came through. Perhaps this is why things still feel more balanced than imbalanced.

Like my oldest, dearest BFF says; life is a series of ups and downs, its nature is to constantly change. When you realize this, you can then enjoy the "up times" even more, appreciating them, knowing that "down times" will come, but when they do, you will be prepared for them because you know they won't last forever.

So, perhaps in future posts I will share more specifics, but for now I can put it best by saying that I am truly grateful and enjoying the "up" times that have come our way.

Numbers on My Mind

2008-04-15T10:17:00.006-04:00

*Yesterday I just realized that I currently live 1, 171 miles away from where I was raised.

*I haven't lived in my childhood state in over 11 years.

*During the last 18 years I have moved more times than I can accurately count but I think it's around 32 times or so by now. Some were big moves, some were small, some where temporary stays, but if it required me to pack boxes, I count it as a move.

*One day I'd like to sit down, list all of the addresses of the places I've lived, and then add up the total distance from those place in comparison to the address of where I first lived and then moved from. Overall I think it would be fun to add up the total miles I've covered over my years of moving.

*I predict that aside from an interesting number-probably higher than I realize-I would learn that no matter how many times I've moved, or where I've lived, where ever I go, there I am.

It's both a comforting and confounding thought.

Hello, Internet!

2008-04-03T16:24:00.008-04:00

It's been a long time since I've last written. A heartfelt apology to the precious few readers that I actually did have. Sorry for leaving you so abruptly back in mid-March! My how time flies in the non-Internet world. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how busy, obtrusive and disruptive non-Internet life can be. Damn "real life!" Any who, enough of my sorry excuses.

Today I just wanted to jump back in and share the following little tidbit from my experience yesterday while chaperoning for The Kid's class field trip to the cities big-downtown-performing arts center. Let me set the scene:

The kids, teachers and myself loaded up on a bus at 10:30 a.m. There were 28 kids, 3 teachers and 2 chaperons, including myself. However, one chaperon was only invested in watching her granddaughter. All other kids seemed to be invisible to her. So that just left me as the lone chaperon. We arrived at the destination at about 10:45 a.m. We sat outside trying to keep the kids from sticking their entire bodies in an outdoor fountain. We taught them how to play charades. We sat in the hot sun for about 30 minutes, waiting. We finally entered the theatre but they still had to wait. By the time the lights went down, it was 11:45 p.m. and a pre-show--not the main show--finally began. Within the first 30 seconds of the beginning of the pre-show The Kid leaned over to me and said:

"Is this the show?! Why is it NOT cool?"

And I was thinking, good question, I was just wondering the same thing.

Friday Home Yoga Sequence

2008-03-14T10:48:00.012-04:00

Lately, my home practice has been feeling very stale, and while I long to be practicing at the yoga studio with my favorite teachers, my finances just can't support this right now. So, I'm always on the look out for ways to make yoga affordable and accessible, and I'm happy to pass ideas along to you as I discover them.

I went to Yoga Journal's web page and found a feature that offers a yoga sequence builder. I'm going to give it a try. If you want to check it out, go here and take a look. There is an option to make your own sequence or to click on a sample sequence as well. Either way, you can put in options for all levels, intermediate and advanced sequences/poses. Today, I'm feeling drawn to seated twists, back bends, Bandha positions, deep breathing (pranayama) and some good old restorative poses to end with. I'm going to enter all of this in, see what suggestions they give, play around a bit, and give it a try today and throughout my weekend. If you try this out, too, I'd love to know what you thought about using this sequence building guide.

Happy Friday to all!

Another Moment of Parenting Zen

2008-03-13T08:45:00.011-04:00

It was only 8:00 in the morning and I hadn't even finished my first cup of coffee yet, and this is what I heard myself saying to The Kid: "Stand Still! And STOP trying to climb the wall while I'm putting sunscreen on your face! For REAL. Get. Your. Feet. Off. The. Wall. Now."

But, between you and me, although, this was EXTREMELY annoying (especially while trying to apply sunscreen, which ended up in his eyes twice because he was moving around so much) it is kind of impressive the way he positions himself in the hallway entrance, puts both feet up on the wall, finds total balance, and kind of suspends himself for a moment.

But, um, yea, I'm not going to tell him that.

3 Birthday "Celebrations", 1 Bout of Bronchitis, and 1 Puke Fest

2008-03-10T14:57:00.021-04:00

We have survived the a fore mentioned in the last seven days. Actually, we are still getting through The Kid's never-ending cold/"touch of bronchitis," as diagnosed by his pediatrician. The puke fest took place at The Kid's final birthday celebration, by the birthday boy himself. We first spent a couple of hours at a local ceramic shop where the kids had an awesome time painting. Then we walked to a local park to let the kids play for a bit. It was all very causal and fun, but then things took a turn for the worse. Let me just put it to you this way:

Mucus + Sugar + Running at the park = Linda Blair Projectile Vomiting.

Poor, kid (I have to go on record, though, in saying that I warned The Kid, and even pulled him aside twice, not to run too hard or too much given that he was still getting over a cough. But, I realize, that's a very tall order at your own birthday celebration.)! Luckily, Aqua Man was with him right before he was about to "throw up", and had the mind to pull The Kid off to the side, away from everyone, so that this was not witnessed by all, nor did it cover everyone else at the park. It did, however, entirely cover The Kid and Aqua Man, and eventually, myself. The Kid was, understandably, crying hysterically and really freaked out. I covered him up as best as I could, pulled him to me so that everyone wouldn't see him covered in vomit and then carried him off to a more private spot. He calmed down after a few minutes, and said through the tears still rolling down his face, "Mommy, that was the worst throwing up ever in the world! When is it going to end?" I hugged him and said, "I think you're done throwing up, buddy." And while he, thankfully, was done, we did have to leave the park right away. Needless to say, it was a very abrupt end to his party, not to mention, well, smelly.

We arrived back at our car, packed The Kid in, loaded up, cracked the windows, and took off for home. For a few minutes we were sharing stories of "embarrassing childhood puking moments" with The Kid as a way to help ease what we imagined was his horror of the moment. He was taking it all in, nodding his head, but not saying much. I was thinking, oh my god, this is going to be burned into his brain, eclipse all other memories of his 5th birthday and probably come up when he is in therapy 20 years from now. Then, right before he fell asleep on the ride home, he announced, "Well, good thing I waited until I was OUTSIDE to throw up. I'm REALLY glad I didn't PUKE while I was PAINTING!" Glass half-full, baby, glass half-full.

Beach Dreams

2008-03-07T14:12:00.017-05:00

I took this picture about six months ago, or so, while hanging out at a nearby beach. I would love to be there right now feeling the warm sand in between my toes and hearing the soothing sound of crashing waves. I would stay until the sun went down and the water glowed from sunset.

Looks Like We Made It

2008-03-05T10:11:00.010-05:00

Here's what's happening lately:

#1: Aqua Man made it through his big meeting last Friday; it was logistically, financially and mentally challenging to pull off, and he kicked ass! No word yet, though, on what this will mean in the long run. What ever the outcome, I'm very proud of him, and inspired by his bravery to step out of his comfort zone and to go for something new that truly interests him.

#2: The Kid turned 5 years old this past Sunday! Happy Birthday to the best kid ever.

#3: Birthday Celebration Number One, this past Sunday, was a success. We had a small party at our house with three friends and family and fun was had by all (It is the first of three mini-celebrations that we are having for The Kid because it turns out to be less expensive, over all, while still including all of his little friends.).

#4: Birthday Celebration Number Two (otherwise known as "We couldn't find a place to host a birthday party for 16 kids, plus parents, that didn't cost a small fortune, and our house is too small for that many bodies, so my mom will bring cupcakes to everyone in my class so all the little friends are included" mini-party): Sugar was had by all, and by 5 year old standards, it was a great success!

#5: I'm beginning to pitch my freelance work again, and moving forward with an idea I have for a small writing project. Overall, I'm feeling positive about both.

72 Hours and Counting

2008-02-29T16:06:00.008-05:00

Five years, and 72 hours ago, I went into labor with The Kid. Yes, that's right. I said 72 hours of real, bona-fide labor. And, no, I'm not joking. I have a Douala, Aqua Man, my doctor, the hospital staff, and numerous friends and family to back me up. If brought up, there are still several family and friends who, to this day, will say "Wow, remember how LONG you were in labor??!! We were waiting, and waiting, and waiting and waiting.We thought you'd NEVER have that baby!" You thought? (Now, just to be clear, in many, many ways, I lobbied for this type of birthing experience. And, also, in many, many ways my birthing experience wasn't anything that I could have ever anticipated, length wise, and other. For me, this was my birthing experience, and I respect if for what it was. But it does blow my mind to remember.)

Aqua Man and I still disagree, five years later, on the labor time frame. He insists that I was actually-from the first moment of labor to when The Kid was delivered-in labor for 78 hours.

For whatever reason, I just can't handle adding on those extra six hours, although he may be right. I have the exact moment of when my labor began somewhere in a journal, but I've blocked it out (Where I put the journal, and the time frame!). I just don't want to internalize more hours, so I've conveniently rounded it down to a mere 72 hours, which apparently, my psyche can handle, thank you very much.

So at some point, five years ago, and 72 hours worth of labor, I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, The Kid. And now, on this coming Sunday he turns 5 years old. Yes, that's right. Five years ago, I went into labor very early on a Friday morning, and The Kid was born on a Sunday evening. Do I know how to party, or what?

What Worry Feels Like

2008-02-28T09:59:00.021-05:00

It feels like a sharp, twangy pain inside my left shoulder cap, and runs across and down the left side of my lower neck and shoulder blade. Just in case you were wondering, there you go. I had Aqua Man drive The Kid to school this morning because turning my head, shifting gears, and generally just sitting up for extended periods were not on my "to-do" list. Grrrrr. I have the tendency to be a I-don't-feel-good-something-is-hurting-me-but-I-still-have-to-get-things
done-person. So today may be all about annoying myself. Hooray! Although intense pain has a way of making a person mellow, just a leeetle bit, and I take the pain in my neck, back, and shoulders very seriously, in that I listen to it and know not to push it. It's been so long since I've felt this shoulder/neck/back pain that I actually forgot what it was like before I started practicing yoga three years ago--it used to be frequent and intense, and often my back would "give out." I am so freakin' grateful that I don't feel like that all of the time, anymore. I know with some restorative and gentle yoga stretches and breathing today that I'll be able to loosen up the area and get some relief.

What's Your Dosha, Baby.

2008-02-27T11:33:00.016-05:00

Last night instead of vegging out in front of the TV, again, I decided to flip through the latest issue of Yoga Journal and read the article "Pampering with Purpose" by Hillari Dowdle. Considering that I haven't had my haircut in months, my nails look like I've been constantly gardening, or such activity-which I assure you, I haven't been-and that the closest I've come to a "spa treatment" is just brushing my teeth, I'd say I was living very vicariously through this article.

Although I don't frequent spas, (but, hey, I'm not opposed to them. I'm just saying, you know, in case the universe wants to send me on an all inclusive spa-trip.) I am starting to learn more about Ayurveda approaches, and thought this was an interesting article. The author gave a web address to Yoga Journal's on-line site, which will lead you here where you can take a quiz to identify your dominant Dosha(s). You'll also find other links on that page where you can learn more about Doshas and yoga.

So, I took the quiz and my dominant Dosha is a pitta with vata as a close second. I wasn't too surprised to discover this. Although, honestly, I didn't realize I was so intense most (read: all) of the time. Aqua Man assures me that I am. That must be why he's always like, "Hey, are you going to yoga class/getting ready to practice yoga at home? You are? THAT'S GREAT!"

How about you? What's your Dosha?

At The End of The Pier

2008-02-26T11:19:00.014-05:00

After dropping The Kid off at school this morning, I drove straight to the river park and walking path to sneak in a quick walk before I went home to get some things done. I needed the stress relief, big time. This Friday will be a day which will give Aqua Man and I more information about whether we will be staying here, in this city, or whether we will be relocating to another state, all together. And if the latter is the case, that move could happen very, very fast. I am excited and nervous; he is excited and nervous.

In the midst of all of the reality, I've made the choice to hold off on pitching new freelance work until the end of the week, but no matter the outcome, whether we stay here, or we move, I'll have to pull in more work. Either way, though, my work will shift, but each place will require different ways in which this will happen, almost all of which, I have no idea what that will really mean until I'm in it. I fully support this move, and believe that equally exciting opportunities will open up for me as a result of it, but it still leaves a lot of big details to come together. It's just a lot of unknowns, maybes and possibilities, right now. All of which are equally exciting and scary. Also, The Kid is turning 5 years old this Sunday. 5 years old! This is just blowing my mind, and giving me plenty to reflect on, as well. Knowing that these "big days" are approaching at the end of the week makes for some interesting ups and downs.

So, with all of this on my mind, I walked until I was eventually able to loosen my grip on my thoughts, and to just enjoy the surroundings. I didn't plan it, but when I eventually tired of walking, I was drawn to the end of the pier. And once on the end of the pier, I was drawn to do some light yoga and stretching, which then led me to a 20-minute sitting meditation practice.

At first I held back a little-a bit self-conscious of who might be looking at me-but slowly I got over that, and it was awesome to be outside practicing. The birds were flying and diving into the water, a rowing crew rowed by, the wind was steadily blowing, leaves were swirling at the end of the pier, and I could hear metal chimes ringing from across the other side of the river. And I felt intimately a part of it all. I was in my own little space, breathing my own mantra in and out, while connected to every ripple of the river, every bird, and every gust of wind. It was just a divine moment of unexpected peace.

The hardest part was coming out of meditation and leaving the outdoors. I truly felt like I could have stayed in meditation for the rest of the day, just breathing and sitting in stillness at the end of that pier. On my walk back to my car, the serenity and peace I had felt was quickly followed by a bit of sadness at leaving that space. I didn't want to go back home, be by myself, sitting inside, and face my work, my tasks, my to-do list.

I'm taking this feeling of being psychically separated from my serenity as a challenge and a lesson. The challenge, I think, is to find this serenity even when I'm not at the end of that pier-even in the face of to-do lists, and things that I might not want to do. I know this serenity always lies within me-as I believe it's in each one of us.

Sitting in my home office right now, typing this post, I can suddenly hear my neighbor's wind chimes ringing, birds chirping, and the blowing leaves, and I am transported back to the end of that pier, when I felt at peace and a part of everything. I wonder, was that chime ringing the whole time I was writing?

And there in lies my lesson, I think: I choose my focus. I can focus on the chitta in my mind, or I can just acknowledge it, and let it go. I can choose to bring myself to calming thoughts. Over, and over, and over, again, (yup, sometimes, its just like that), I can come back to the calm that already lies within.

You Don't Have To Tell Me Twice

2008-02-25T10:41:00.026-05:00

I took this photo at the small river front path that is just four blocks from our house, although we can also access the river just one block away. I discovered this area and came upon this sign during the first walk I took while exploring our new neighborhood almost two years ago.

I walked down our street and wound around the corner to discover an opening slightly covered by bushes and trees that then revealed the riverfront. I stepped from the street onto the grass walking path and the feeling instantly changed; it was a bit darker, and the air was slightly cooler. I could see birds flying and sitting on the water, yet there was a strange stillness to the overall atmosphere. I instantly noted the change, but was still mostly thinking, la, la, la. I'm taking a walk, and chilling out. This is so cool to live somewhere so different from where I've lived before, and... whaaaaattttt??!! ALLIGATOR??!! A-l-l-i-g-a-t-o-r???? No, for real. An alligator?!?! Holy Shit!

Now, for those of you who have lived in places where alligators are commonplace this sign would, of course, not be a shocking discovery. But, having previously lived in places that have no alligators nearby--zip, zero--I couldn't believe that this sign was for real. I mean, alligators living in the water about four blocks away? Yes, yes that's right. Well…that’ll put a new twist on outdoor activities such as swimming, boating, and just talking a walk along the water. Wow.
------------------

This sign makes me wonder though, what if all potential dangers or repercussions were posted as clearly and prominently in life? Would you take the warning of potential danger or repercussions into consideration before entering into a situation, or making a decision? Would a sign so blatant as this, warning of potential dangers, keep you from traveling down a certain path? Do you think that there are times when warnings have been given to you this clearly in life, but you decided to tune them out and go down a certain path anyway?

I know that in the course of my life, I've ignored some blatant warning signs in different areas of my life. I can look back and see that, although small at first, warnings were often present, and I might have missed them at first. Sometimes, over time, those warning signs would grow larger and more frequent, if I continued to ignore them. And on many occasions, I still choose to ignore them. Live and learn, is how I view those experiences, and I take them forward into my life today.

But when it comes to this sign? Sure thing! No, problem. You got it! This is one warning sign that I will definitely heed.

Happy, Calm, Content

2008-02-23T20:06:00.010-05:00

That's how I feel when I look at these flowers. Like everything is going to be okay, no matter. It's a welcome shift in my mood today, as I've been a bit moody, and easy to let fear creep in, slowly churning into a bit of anxiety over the unknown. But when I see these flowers, I don't know, I just have this great response. I slow down a bit, and breathe a little deeper. And soon I begin to realize that everything is already okay, just the way it is. Even in the face of great uncertainty, I am reminded that I can still access the calm within, if I choose to do so.

Ummm, Something Up With Blogger?

2008-02-22T09:40:00.006-05:00

It's Friday morning and I just put up a post. It took me several attempts to even see it appear on my blog. Then when it did, it was posted under Thursday, instead of Friday. Bummer, since I sent out good wishes for a happy Friday, and it's, um, filed under Thursday.

So, lets try this again.....a happy Friday to all!

Now, let's see where this post ends up.